I Don't Know What I'd Do Without You.

When people say, “I don’t know what I’d do without you” (I am one of those people) it really changes things when you actually have to live without that person. A year ago tomorrow, I lost my Avo Velma. She was my sunshine, she brightened up a room just by being in it, her smile was infectious, she had such a warmth about her and the Portuguese and English barrier didn't exist because we spoke the same language, the language of love. She had a hug and a touch about her that just made you feel the love she gave. She was who I want to be when I grow up, still happy, laughing and loving God and her family even when things are getting rough with health or just life in general. It’s been one year and I am barely coming to terms with the fact that she’s not physically here with me anymore. I just wish that I could walk into TNRC to her smiling face and just be with her. I don’t feel whole without her. A piece of me left when she left the world. I know she is no longer suffering and I know that she would want me to be the happy Kody she knew and loved and I know that she is still with me even though I can’t see her. Even though I know all these things and I have all the faith and belief that I can have that she is up in Heaven with my loved ones who have gone before her and she gets to spend her time with them and Jesus and that it must be so glorious, it still doesn't heal me. I don’t think it ever will. I don’t think I can ever feel whole and complete without her. I do think that I can be a better version of who I have been being. I feel like I just got by this last year, I wasn't overly depressed or anything, I just wasn't fully happy. I wasn't feeling like I used to feel, I was feeling how I thought I needed to feel and felt like my social interactions with people weren't as special as they should have been being and I wasn't inspired. She’s the first person who has ever rocked my core and turned my world upside down when she left this world. She was my special Velma, and was special to everyone that knew her. I love her so much and miss her terribly. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I can’t be with her anymore and just grab her hand and sit and watch TV. Simple things, the little things, I can’t even do with her. I've spent the year searching for what has been missing all year, without realizing it until recently that the thing that I had been searching for was her. Even though I knew that I missed her I didn't realize how much it was affecting me. Death is a part of life, everyone deals with death differently and we can never replace the people who we once had with us on Earth with someone else, but we can learn to live with it. We can learn to let ourselves be happy, truly happy again, because that is what we all would want for our loved ones when we go. I’m going to learn how to adjust to a life without Velma, a life that would make her proud and smile. It has taken me a year to come to terms with the fact that she isn’t coming back; I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do without her, but I’m going to try to figure it out. She’s one of the best blessings of my life and I’m thankful for all the time I did get with her and I know that I will see her again someday, until then…I will know that I’m never alone.

Song That Needed to be Sung

I know so many women who end up getting treated like "consolation prizes" to guys who don't deserve them...why? I wish I knew a real answer.

Maybe it is because we can't truly see how valuable and worthy we really are.

Maybe it is because we think that we don't deserve to be treated any better than second best.

Maybe it is because time and time again we are told that when we get a man, then life will be better.

So what do we do?

We settle for less than what we deserve.

We act like "just hanging out" is what we actually want out of a relationship.

We go at the snap of their fingers to see them.

We are their back up plan.

We are their last call.

We act like there is literally nobody else on Earth that can love us, so we should do whatever the guy who gives us a half an ounce of attention says.


Thankfully, Lady Antebellum has released on their new album, "Just A Girl" that empowers women to rise above what we've been and demand some self respect and pride in ourselves.


Lyrics that are true perfection that every girl needs to read...

"Boy, you must have come up short tonight
'Cause I'm always your consolation prize
Usually I fix my hair,
Put on my coat, and show up at your door
But no more!"

 

If we haven't been in this situation before, we surely know of a friend, sister, cousin, co-worker, etc. who has...the situation when the man summons, and the woman shows up as soon as possible...and it takes a long time, if ever, for the woman to figure it out. For the woman to realize that she shouldn't be getting dressed up for a guy who doesn't give a shit about her.

 

 

"Now I know I'm just another one of your Friday nights
But I'm no past time, this is gonna be the last
I'm just a call when there's nowhere else to fall
Just a number on your wall,
In a pretty dress and curves
To you I'm just a girl,
To you I'm just a girl"

 

We want to be more than the girl that you call when you are drunk, lonely, can't find anyone better. We want to be more than, like the song states, a "past time" because we want to be with someone who wants us full time.

We want to be more than just a girl to you.

We want to be seen as valuable, because we are, not just some girl.

 

 

I was always taught to sit up straight
Find a man before it gets too late
Give him time to make his mind
But I can't be the one you stream along
Like some old sad song

 

We would like to think that then men we allow to do this behavior are actually good, and that we can save them and that they are just going through a phase. We think that maybe if we send the right selfie on Snapchat, "like" his posts on social media, show interest in things he likes, wear the perfect outfit, bend over backwards for whatever they so wish, then maybe, just maybe they will view us as a girlfriend and they will finally see that we are a package and not just someone to go to when there is nobody left.

 

Now I know I'm just another one of your Friday nights
But I'm no past time, this is gonna be the last
I'm just a call when there's nowhere else to fall
Just a number on your wall,
In a pretty dress and curves
To you I'm just a girl,
To you I'm just a girl,
To you I'm just a girl

 

We sit here and blame the guys for treating us like shit, for making us want them, for making us feel like they are the only one...but what this song does, it empowers women. It says, realize that you are just another one of the guy's Friday nights and don't allow yourself to be that woman who they can call. Realize your worth.

 

Talking through the static, just a girl
To you I'm just dramatic, just a girl
Just a silly little thing
That's all you've ever seen
When there's so much more to me
Yeah, yeah

 

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO YOU! You aren't crazy for wanting a relationship, for wanting something more serious, for wanting to build your life with someone. Don't be waiting around on the guy who doesn't realize your worth and who is having other girls on the side. You aren't being dramatic by wanting something more than another Friday night.

 

Now I know I'm just another one of your Friday nights
But I'm no past time, this is gonna be the last

Now I know I'm just another one of your Friday nights
But I'm no past time, this is gonna be the last
I'm just a call when there's nowhere else to fall
Just a number on your wall,
In a pretty dress and curves
To you I'm just a girl,
To you I'm just a girl

 

You don't care what I think
To you I'm just a girl
You only call when you drink
To you I'm just a girl

We all get lonely, its human nature, we are wired to be next to other people to feel like we belong somewhere, and I totally get that. But we need to have more respect for ourselves. We need to stand up and say that it is not okay to be the girl that willingly gets strung along by a guy who doesn't care enough to take a chance on a real relationship with you. Be the woman that says that it stops here. If we don't start standing up for ourselves, protecting ourselves, women will keep being played over and over again. You are more than just a girl, you have more to offer the world and a deserving man than being his late night booty call.

So thank you, Lady Antebellum for singing a song that needed to be sung to remind women all over that we are worth more than what we settle for and allow and that we are more than "just a girl" and deserve to be treated like that.

UNinspired

I'll admit it, I've been uninspired for the past 8 months. I think a lot of it has to do with my Avo Velma passing away. I miss her so much and although she never read my blogs, or knew all my thoughts, she was always such a positive influence in my life and her power of love was stronger than any language.

She was kind. She thought of others always. She was always willing to go the extra mile to help. She was someone who made you feel happy just by being around her. She didn't have any material things, and didn't need them. 

I've wanted to emulate a life like my Avo lived but I was struggling.

I wasn't radiating happiness like I used to. I allowed my light to dim and to not shine it so brightly.

My Avo always called me her sunshine and I haven't been as sun-shiney.

It's not like my life isn't good, my life is incredibly full of blessings, but for awhile I just wasn't being the Kody I knew and loved and most importantly she knew and loved. 

Sometimes we need to make decisions to put our lives back on track, to allow ourselves to be welcomed home again, home to ourselves. 

Turning into someone you are not is not a good thing to do, its very dangerous.

 

You lose sight of yourself and in my case I turned into a person I didn't like who I was becoming.

I was easily angered, annoyed and less cheery. I was hurtful and not in a good place.

God led me back into the light. He showed me that my feelings of uncertainty in where I was, were validated. He showed me that I didn't need to settle for anything less than the plan He created.

When we try to take life in our own hands and force happiness upon ourselves, in God's time He always reveals the truth. 

Trust and turn to God. It never EVER fails. He knows all and takes us back even when we stray off course. I know I may seem like a broken record of sorts because how many times have I written blogs about trusting in God's plan...but we are human and I need my come to Jesus moments every now and then to bring me back and remind me I'm not in control.

Keep trusting in God and be patient for what He has in store. 

I'm sure what He has in store for my life is so worth waiting for and even on days of even the sliver of doubt, I want to turn to Him and be certain that my life is in the best hands possible.

 

I'm inspired again, INSPIRED by GOD.

We're really not that far apart...

Two weeks ago if you asked me what I would be doing on January 28th, I would have told you I would be doing my Avo's nails with my sisters and cousin, probably bringing her cake or a milkshake, we all would be wearing party hats and she'd be laughing and smiling and it would be a great night.

Last week, I lost one of the most important people in my life, my Avo Velma. So today, I won't be able to give her a hug, I won't be able to say "Happy Birthday, I love you" and hear her say "Thank you I love you too" I won't be able to see that priceless smile or hear that giggle she gets. I will just have my memories to hold on to.

She has been the hardest goodbye I have ever had to say. I've lost many loved ones before, all of whom are so very close to my heart, but there was that something special that I shared with my Avo Velma. She even told me once that I was the most like her out of my sisters and cousin. To me hearing I am like my Avo is one big compliment. My Avo was sunshine, she was a smile on a bad day, a safe place to go, a trusting heart in the Lord, a spiritual person and truly one of the kindest souls I've ever known. I never heard my Avo say that she hated anyone, she just simply, loved.

She loved people past second, third, and twentieth chances, she was a forgiving soul and a kind soul. She was truly a woman of God. She lived her life joyfully serving the Lord and I know that He was proud of the work she did because I'm proud to say I'm her grandchild.

I do not regret one second, one visit, one car ride I've ever had with my Avo Velma, every time was so special and was cherished. I can look back and be happy with the memories that I do have with her because I know that I put in the time and effort that I wanted to, to make my Avo know how much she means to me and how much I love her and she did the same.

If I am blessed enough to live almost 83 years, I would love to be like her and shining God's light til the very end, even with medical conditions being a damper...but if I do live to be 83 years old I can't imagine not having my Avo in my life for 60 years.

To think of it like that hurts, a lot. But I find comfort in knowing that when God does call me up, I will get to spend eternity with my loving Avo Velma, and the rest of my amazing Grandparents, family members and friends who have waited for me to join them. I know I will see her again, but it doesn't necessarily help the pain now.

I was asked at her funeral, "why are you crying she is in a much better place than we are" and I said, "I'm not crying for her, I'm crying for me" she impacted my life in so many ways and to have her physically not here with me, it is rough.

But I know that she will not let me feel alone, I know that when the sun is beaming on my skin, that's her warmth surrounding me, when the song "compass" plays on the radio its her reminding me I'm not alone, I know that when I hit a red light, that's her reminding me of the times God gave me a few extra minutes with her on our trips back and forth to TNRC, I know that she will be with me on my wedding day, and the births of my children, and all the highs and lows throughout my life, although I won't be able to see her, I will be able to feel her.

I miss you Avo Velma, and like the song compass says "We're really not that far apart"

Avo Velma Inspired.

My blog is titled, "Laugh Always, Be Kind, Drink Milkshakes, Thank God" and today  I was thinking about my Avo Velma (grandma) because she is not doing well and has been on my mind even more so lately and it dawned on me that my blog title describes how my Avo has influenced my life, without even realizing it when I named my blog, the values I held so high, inspired by my Avo Velma.


Laugh always. I think anyone who has ever come in contact with my Avo Velma knows that she is a laugher. Her laughter is infectious. She is our family's ray of sunshine. She can instantly light up a room with her smile and laugh. With the Portuguese & English barrier in the way, she'd laugh through it, she'd laugh when she would try to tell us something in broken English, laugh when we tried to speak Portuguese to her, laugh when she'd try to speak Portuguese to us and we'd have no idea what she said, and she'd laugh when we'd speak English to her and she'd have no idea what we were talking about. She laughs. Even while she has been slowing leaving this world, she's managed to laugh. Yesterday I heard her laughter, and I'm almost certain that will be the last time I will, and I'm so thankful I heard it one last time. She's an incredible woman with an incredible spirit who has always brought laughter to my life and I carry that value with me.

Be Kind. She has always been kind to every person she is around. I have never met a person who did not like my Avo Velma. She is such a kind spirit, always smiling and waving. Smiles and waves are known in every language. Her happiness shows through in all she does. She also has been kind to others, she's always saying "thank you" or "please" and she'd gift away everything she has. She is so skilled with the gift of being able to crochet/knit and she'd make beautiful blankets and scarves for people just because. She is always so thoughtful and kind.

Drink Milkshakes. One of my Avo Velma's favorite things to drink is a milkshake. Even with her diabetes she'd always make an exception for milkshakes. Some of the moments I cherish the most with her are spent sipping on milkshakes. It is such a sweet treat and just makes you feel good. I got to give her one last milkshake yesterday and although she didn't drink nearly half as much as she normally does, I was happy to see her enjoy one final milkshake. We get so caught up in counting calories and watching what we eat or sticking to certain diets that we don't allow ourselves the simple joy of a milkshake, make the exception for the milkshake every once and awhile, Velma did, and she was always happy.

Thank God. I'm blessed to have grown up around a woman who has such strong faith. She was always praying the rosary, listening to mass on the radio, getting communion brought to her, and was always supportive of us in our walks with God as well. She'd tell us she was praying for us, and God listened to her prayers. My Avo was really worried about my cousin, Lisa because she was living in a place that had rats in it at one point, and was really out of her price range, making it hard to get by. She was always asking if Lisa had found another place to live. Thankfully, my parents offered Lisa a room to stay with us in our house and when my Avo got the news she was very happy. She put her hand over her heart and even said that it made her very happy that Lisa has a place to live. She also was concerned about me finding a job. She was so proud of me graduating college, she wanted me to be able to put my hardwork to use and would ask me after interviews how they went, and would ask me about Foster Farms especially, and on Wednesday I told my Avo that I got a job at Foster Farms and her face was priceless, she was so excited. As I was leaving that night, she grabbed my arm and put her hand over her heart and said, it made her very happy that I have work. I know that she was thanking God that her prayers for her granddaughters came true. She is finally in a place where she doesn't have any worries left, she's thanked God for all the many people surrounding her and the time He's given her on Earth. She's been faithful to Him all the days of her life and is truly an inspiration to me.

She's shaped me in such a way that these four things are things I value so much. I hope that I can inspire others in the way that she has inspired me over the years with what she has instilled in me. I am a better person for knowing such a caring, cheerful and compassionate woman. As she is living out her final time left on earth, I just want her to feel the love that I have in my heart for her, for all she has done for me, you don't have to speak the same language to know the power of love.

God bless this beautiful woman and the world is a better place for having her in it.

Unconditionally

I've probably heard the song "Unconditionaly" by Katy Perry at least twenty times since its been on the radio, but it wasn't until last night when I was about to fall asleep that I actually heard it.

What I think they meant for the song to be was for a person telling another person that it doesn't matter where they've been or what they do, they will love them no matter what, but when it actually HEARD the song, I heard it as God speaking to me.

Here are the lyrics, now when you read through the lyrics imagine that God is singing this song to you,

Oh no, did I get too close oh?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

 

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally

 There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

 

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through this storm I would

 I'd do it all because I love you, I love you

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally

 There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

 

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart

 Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

 

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
'Cause I will love you unconditionally

 

I will love you
I will love you
I will love you unconditionally

 

Wow, right? It gives the song such a deeper meaning. I think sometimes when we feel like we've strayed so far away that God won't let us back in, I feel like we sometimes talk ourselves out of a relationship with God because we have "too much baggage" or we've been "bad people" and so many other reasons that we think God won't love us. He loves us more than we can even fathom. He loves us through, like the song says, the good days and the bad. I love this whole song, but there are two parts of the song that really hit me in the heart, "there is no fear now, let go and just be free" and "acceptance is the key to be truly free will you do the same for me?"

 

The first lyric I mentioned, I love that it says there is no fear now, I think we bottle ourselves up with worry and fear for the future that we don't enjoy our days here or we allow ourselves to get scared of what might happen to us after we die. We don't need to worry. We don't need to be afraid. God is always with us.

 

The second lyric I mentioned is the key, He gives us this awesome unconditional love and we can take for granted. We don't give Him our unconditional love all the time. When question Him when things go wrong and can't allow ourselves to just trust in His plan.

 

Let us learn to unconditionally love God, through the good days and the bad, just like He does for us.

23...HAPPY AS CAN BE!

I don't know if I've ever actually written on  a blog how much I love that my birthday is close to the New Year...when the rest of the world is trying to figure out where they went wrong, where they want to go right, reflections, etc I am doing the same but based upon my age. I already posted a blog about my 2013 and how I feel absolutely blessed!

My 23rd year was truly incredible and I can honestly say I'm thankful for every moment.

This year I feel like I've truly found myself. I have learned more by doing more, and by simply just allowing my self to LIVE.

Here are a few things that I've learned over the year and hope that I can continue to carry them with me through my 24th year.

Happiness is not something to strive for. If you go searching for happiness you will never find it, or you will try to force it. I wish neither of those things for you. I wish for you that you find happiness where you are in this EXACT moment. Every person in this world deals with their own struggles, struggles with personal matters, family matters, friends matters, health, work, school, you name it someone is struggling with it and most people are struggling and juggling multiple things at once. The struggles in life are natural, they are what keep us human, but just because you haven't landed the perfect job, found the perfect person, are at the perfect body size, or found your perfect state you want to be in to finally be happy doesn't mean you can't just be happy. It seems so naïve to say that it is just that easy, that you can just be happy.

Happiness comes from thankfulness. I found that when I truly started counting what I do HAVE my body was OVERWHELMED with happiness. Nothing in life goes as planned...I've discussed this over and over again in this blog especially. Trusting in God has truly helped me become happy too. It is truly the simple things in life that I find so much joy in now.

The other day I was out with some friends and it was cold, and I just stopped while we were on our way inside and said "look at how beautiful the stars are tonight" in the rush of the cold and wanting to be warm, I found a small touch of happiness even on our short walk inside.

 You can even find happiness in even the saddest situations. I lost my great grandma in my 23rd year, knowing she is gone even seems unreal, but I had 23 years with my GREAT GRANDMA. Most people don't even get one. She was blind, my great grandpa had passed away a few years before and they spent the majority of their lives together, I knew that when she passed away, she can now see, she can be reunited with her husband, her family and finally get to see God. I'm happy I made the drives to come home to make it to holidays, and just to visit to have those extra moments with her. I find happiness in the time I spent with her because I truly cherished her while she was here, and will continue to cherish the memories I will hold dear. Will holidays be different? Of course. Will I still find times when I get sad because I miss her so much? Of course. She lived a long and meaningful life, filled with her family, she had great great grandchildren, not something that is given to many people.

Happiness can come from the madness too.

Happiness isn't a destination.

If you become thankful, you become happy because its hard to feel any other emotion.


I've realized a few things about myself and my personality this year that I've never noticed before.

1. I see the good in everybody, this can be seen as a blessing and a curse. Because I try to always find the silver lining and the bright spot in the darkest people, I tend to misread them and don't notice the bad because I overlook it with good. I think that this is a great quality to have to accept people, even the people who seem to have big faults, but to allow myself to let these people all the way into my life, can also be destructive. I can see the good in people and treat people with kindness, but if I let them too close, I can have that kindness used against me.

2. I am fiercely loyal. I always knew that I was a naturally supportive person, but when I thought about the people I love, even the shows I love and music I love, I am extremely loyal. If I become loyal to you, you will not have to worry about me straying away or going behind your back.

3. I am terrible at text messaging. I think I may be one of the worst people to text with, I will text someone for multiple texts in a row, then I'll get sidetracked, or I will not have my phone anywhere near me and then I will see a text and forget to text back. If you are one of the people who text me, its not because I'm ignoring you, I'm just really terrible at texting, much better at phone conversations, but then I will be on the phone with you for at least 30 mins.

4. I am not a fan of Fireball Whiskey. I don't understand the hype, I am not a fan.

5. I catch on to things later than most, but tend to become more passionate about them than the people who have liked it since the start. Examples: Pretty Little Liars, Scandal, Gossip Girl, One Direction, and many more different entertainment trends that people have loved for years that I just started liking this year.

6. I am capable of changing to a healthy lifestyle. When I was living in Tahoe, I was living a clean eating healthy lifestyle and I was dedicated, I was disciplined and I actually liked it. Moving home, I have got out of my routine and hope that 24 brings me back, because I enjoyed the way I felt from living that life.

7. I am a worthy candidate. In all different types of life, I'm a worthy candidate for a job, for a girlfriend, for a friend. I am worthy to be chosen. I am worthy to be accepted. I am worthy to be seen to my full potential. I am worthy to be appreciated. I am worthy to be loved. I am WORTHY. Once I started valuing my worth, even with the rejections that I've faced, I became stronger and confident. I stopped settling.

8. Taking chances truly bring great rewards. I took a chance on Reno, this year I graduated from Reno, I stepped out of my comfort zone of Hilmar and grew so much as an individual. I took a chance on applying for an internship in Tahoe for the summer and I actually got it and it changed my life. I didn't take a permanent job in Tahoe because I wanted to be back home and I've gotten to make some great  memories with the people I love and I wouldn't change a thing.


This year I've grown, learned, matured, and so much more. I am beyond blessed with all God has given me.

On the eve of my 24th year my wish for my 24th year will be to continue to take the things I've learned in my 23rd and stick to them. I wish to be happy. Above all I wish for me to take the little things in life and be thankful for each moment. God has a plan and I want to keep on trusting in it, He hasn't steered me wrong yet!