When people say, “I don’t know what I’d do without you” (I
am one of those people) it really changes things when you actually have to live
without that person. A year ago tomorrow, I lost my Avo Velma. She was my sunshine,
she brightened up a room just by being in it, her smile was infectious, she had
such a warmth about her and the Portuguese and English barrier didn't exist
because we spoke the same language, the language of love. She had a hug and a
touch about her that just made you feel the love she gave. She was who I want
to be when I grow up, still happy, laughing and loving God and her family even
when things are getting rough with health or just life in general. It’s been
one year and I am barely coming to terms with the fact that she’s not
physically here with me anymore. I just wish that I could walk into TNRC to her
smiling face and just be with her. I don’t feel whole without her. A piece of
me left when she left the world. I know she is no longer suffering and I know
that she would want me to be the happy Kody she knew and loved and I know that
she is still with me even though I can’t see her. Even though I know all these
things and I have all the faith and belief that I can have that she is up in
Heaven with my loved ones who have gone before her and she gets to spend her
time with them and Jesus and that it must be so glorious, it still doesn't heal
me. I don’t think it ever will. I don’t think I can ever feel whole and
complete without her. I do think that I can be a better version of who I have
been being. I feel like I just got by this last year, I wasn't overly depressed
or anything, I just wasn't fully happy. I wasn't feeling like I used to feel, I
was feeling how I thought I needed to feel and felt like my social interactions
with people weren't as special as they should have been being and I wasn't
inspired. She’s the first person who has ever rocked my core and turned my
world upside down when she left this world. She was my special Velma, and was special
to everyone that knew her. I love her so much and miss her terribly. It is hard
to come to terms with the fact that I can’t be with her anymore and just grab
her hand and sit and watch TV. Simple things, the little things, I can’t even
do with her. I've spent the year searching for what has been missing all year,
without realizing it until recently that the thing that I had been searching for
was her. Even though I knew that I missed her I didn't realize how much it was
affecting me. Death is a part of life, everyone deals with death differently
and we can never replace the people who we once had with us on Earth with
someone else, but we can learn to live with it. We can learn to let ourselves
be happy, truly happy again, because that is what we all would want for our
loved ones when we go. I’m going to learn how to adjust to a life without
Velma, a life that would make her proud and smile. It has taken me a year to
come to terms with the fact that she isn’t coming back; I will miss her every
day for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do without her, but I’m going
to try to figure it out. She’s one of the best blessings of my life and I’m
thankful for all the time I did get with her and I know that I will see her
again someday, until then…I will know that I’m never alone.
