"Remember Me"

While watching the movie "Remember Me" a character says this quote by Ghandi 
"Whatever you will do in life will be insignificant. But it's important that you do it because nobody else will."
 This quote speaks volumes about life. I know I am guilty of underestimating my impact on this world. I think I need to do something on a grander scale in my lifetime to help people. My best friend has pointed out to me before that the things I do daily create an impact. This quote made it full circle for me. I know I dream of the powerful things I can do with one day maybe running a non profit or housing foster kids and helping out with charitable organizations. I believe I am fully capable of doing that but really what matters is the day to day things we do.
The doors we hold, the "bless you" we say when someone sneezes, the good morning text or the much needed hug someone desperately wanted. It's in the smile we give to a stranger, the advice we give to a friend, the meaning behind telling someone you love them. It can be giving the homeless person some spare change or buying something from your neighbors children's fundraiser. It's the card you send for Christmas,  Anniversaries, Birthdays, Holidays or for no reason at all. I now find myself saying..."if not you then who?" The little things we do in our day to day lives seem so insignificant because it comes from the nature of who we are but the little acts of kindness we share without even realizing it, matter. If you don't hold the door for the person behind you, nobody else will.
 I write this blog because I get inspired and feel like writing it out as an outlet of my thoughts and emotions. I'm vulnerable and real with the things I share. I don't know who reads this, where they live, what gender they are or even how old they are but here I am. I write in the hopes that my inspirations may inspire some of you and even if I don't inspire that I just make you think for a second. If I never wrote these words, you may have never came to this conclusion. I don't only write this blog for me to get my release, I more importantly write it for you. No matter how insignificant something may seem do it... Nobody else will. 

Quietly Changed.

Ever feel like people from your past are so far removed that they feel more like fictional characters than someone you actually knew and were close to? I feel like God works in us in such an amazing way to heal us from our pain and hurt that quietly we grow stronger. The way that they say one day you wake up and are over it is true...to a point. You may think one day you are over it, but at that moment you gave it a nod in your mind realizing it is over. I think day by day we grow stronger and think less of the things that used to consume us, the hurtful things said to us, the pain we have carried, the insecurity we feel, the ache in our hearts it all goes away. It all heals. We recover from who we were and the negative feelings we felt toward ourselves and.toward others. Without realizing it we figure out that grudges and sour thoughts are truly worthless. We realize that God has made us into better versions of ourselves. He takes the hate out and the pain and replaces it with love, kindness and thankfulness. I heard a song that used to get me through my rough days by Sara Evans and it was "little bit stronger" and I ended up along the line not needing the song as my crutch anymore and it wasn't until a couple weeks ago I heard it on the radio and felt like a completely different person listening to it. I felt that the person who needed that song was gone and the person hearing it now felt a little too strong to let herself listen to it. If we step back and see how God has worked in our hearts and minds without us even asking or knowing what to ask to help us. He never gave up on us even when we gave up hope on ourselves. He was silently fixing us and repairing our hearts. He continues to do so, we never stop growing and learning. I know I've said it before but really micromanaging our lives and worrying about timelines is pointless. God has us covered. He has his plan and the prayers we pray get answered in some form. Don't give up. If you feel the pain won't leave or a memory won't stop haunting you, it will. You will realize in that moment exactly what I'm talking about. Feel empowered by God and feel safe. God is full time all around the clock focused on helping you get better.

"Every Child Comes With The Message..."

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us."- One Tree Hill

Its obvious for those of you who know me that I'll throw a One Tree Hill quote out there any chance I get, but this time it is serious. This is a blog post that is very near and dear to my heart. This is a blog post about the most beautiful thing in life that God has given us, the ability to create new life.

I am not a mother, but I admire them. (I was raised by an amazing one:) I admire the sacrifices my mom made for me and my sisters and I admire my sisters for all that they do for their little ones. I admire the fact that they give up their bodies to provide life for us. They get to experience what it is like to have a life growing inside of them, and get to experience what it is like to bring someone into this world. 

It truly amazes and inspires me when I see new babies being born. When I held my nephew Daniel for the first time I instantly fell in love, he was a part of my sister so in turn he was a part of me. He stole my heart the second his eyes met mine and holding him made me feel like the world stood still. He was so little, so innocent, so pure. He had his entire world ahead of him. It also amazed me that just minutes before he was inside my sister. I never knew what it was like to feel so happy. I felt the "glow" that all the mothers talk about and I didn't even have him. The fact that he was brought into this world from the love that my sister and brother-in-law share was something that truly had me in such a happy state. I didn't know it was possible to love someone in such an instant. I didn't even know him until that moment he was in my arms and I truly felt like my heart was stolen. My heart belonged to Daniel. And only two and a half short months later God and my other sister and brother-in-law blessed me with Jaxon. I was really in for it. 

My heart was stolen by TWO boys. Two adorable, handsome boys. Two boys who deserve all my love. Jaxon came the day before my 21st birthday and no gift could have been given to me greater. Seeing Jaxon and holding him in my arms for the first time was another breathtaking experience. I was overwhelmed and so happy and so proud of my sister for pushing out all 9lbs of him! I started making all these plans for the adventures that Jaxon and Daniel and I would share. I thought I have such a duty now in life as their Aunt to be a great example and to be there for them in what ever way I can possibly be. I never knew what it truly meant like to be proud. I was so proud of my sisters and brother-in-laws for creating such beautiful life and I was so proud of my nephews and I still am. I see that they are getting bigger every day and growing and talking more and being away from them is the hardest part about being away in college. But I also know that by me going away to school it will be an example for them one day and I can tell them stories about the times I had in college and encourage them to want to one day attend as well. Now my sisters and brother-in-laws are blessed again with each of them being able to bring into this world another little baby. My heart is overflowed with joy. Babies are truly a blessing. I know so many couples out there who are finally getting their dreams fulfilled and being able to experience the miracle that my sisters and brother-in-laws have experienced and that makes me so happy. The gift of life is one that God truly blesses us with and tonight (which could be one of the main reasons why I'm so inspired to write this) I  watched the movie "What to Expect When Your Expecting" and one part tugged at my heart, Jennifer Lopez' character can't have babies, she breaks down to her husband and said it is her fault and that tore me up. They end up being able to be blessed with adopting a baby and they both said that they were scared and her husband in the movie said something to the effect of I will love this baby because I love his mom so much. That touched me so much. My heart truly breaks for those deserving couples out there that I love and I know will be great parents but can't conceive children. It also breaks my heart for the children who are born with parents who don't want them. Every child is a gift and has purpose in this life and every child deserves to have great parents. Another One Tree Hill quote because it is also very fitting for this topic, Julian says to Brooke his wife after they find out they can't conceive says the perfect thing "I think about what my life was like before I found you, who I was and how I was, and it is so much better now.I know there's a child out there for us,one we'll look at and think, "how could we have ever gone through life without this?" And they'll look at us, and they'll know they are loved and wanted and needed. And they'll know we searched for them...Like I searched for you." 

The gift of life is so precious and babies are miracles God placed on this earth and each and every one of us is a miracle that God graced earth with. Every child needs love, just like every one of us needs love. God has a plan for each and every one of us, remember to thank Him for all the miracles in your life He has placed around you. With all the hate and anger we build up in our hearts we should all be a little more like babies, they don't know the bad in the world and they see the good in every body. When my nephews were born they inspired me to look at life differently, they inspired me to realize that family is important and the people you surround yourself with is important and the way you live your life and the example you leave behind is important. We all fall short, we are human so therefore we are imperfect, but remember,

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of us."- One Tree Hill

Good in Goodbye

Listen to this song and then finish reading my blog.

Carrie Underwood does what she always does and blows us away on her new album "Blown Away" with this track "Good in Goodbye" and this song just makes me think about all the bittersweet moments in life.

There have been friends in my life that it seemed almost inevitable that we could never remain as close as we once were, and hearing about good things happening in their lives make me so happy, but they also make me sad that I can't share in that happiness with them. And Carrie's song is more toward the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but I thought I'd include the feeling of bittersweet you feel toward friends you've lost touch with and kind of felt forced to stop hanging out with.

It also reminds me of close friends who I have watched go through terrible heartbreaks with relationships they thought were meant to be long lasting. This is such an inspiring song that I think we all need to remember when we are getting in our lows about past relationships or friendships. We need to stop making the negative aspects of break ups be the part we talk the most about...there is good in goodbye. Maybe not the day of, or the year following, but it will end up making you stronger and happier.

Sometimes when we end friendships and relationships we get so consumed by the pain and just pray that we can go back to normalcy with them, that we can just be close to them like we once were.

Its hard to think that our lives will ever move on past those friendships and relationships. But there will be the full circle moment day when you feel like Carrie is singing these lines straight to you.

 "I don't regret it, the time we had together, I won't forget it, but we both ended up where we belonged, goodbye made us strong, yeah I'm happy, I found somebody too who makes me happy, and I knew one day I'd see you on the street and it would be bittersweet.As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, I thank God I didn't get what I thought I deserved sometimes life leads you down a different road, when you are holding on to someone you've got to let go some day you'll see the reason why, sometimes there is good in goodbye."

ONE.

I got inspired by a reality TV show, which one? The Bachelorette.

There was something Emily said that stuck out to me when she was talking to Arie about not being with him anymore. She said something to the extent of "I could be really happy with you for a lot of years, but not forever"

Although this was a blow to Arie in her basically saying, I love you but you aren't my soul mate, it got me thinking.

Every person we involve ourselves with in a relationship, it doesn't matter if its two weeks, two months, two years or two decades they all serve their purpose. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a certain amount of time.

Here's an example I came up with that might help get my point across, it was about my previous relationships with guys from my past, and they will all be summed up under the same reference as "He."

He was the ONE that I got to share my first kiss with. He was the ONE who showed me what that High School Sweetheart relationship felt like. He was the ONE who told me I was beautiful and actually made me feel it. He was the ONE who opened up my heart to love fully and completely. He was the ONE who held me when I cried when I lost my grandpa. He was the ONE who made me feel like being in a long distance relationship in college was worth it. He was the ONE who could make me laugh more than anyone else.

He was also the ONE who made me doubt myself and my worth. He was the ONE who made me cry harder than I've ever cried before. He was the ONE who cheated on me. He was the ONE who made me truly feel heartbreak. He was the ONE who made me feel inferior to him. He was the ONE who made me feel empty. He was the ONE who made me feel like I didn't measure up sometimes.

Those guys were all the ONE for me in some way, happy or sad. They all taught me something. They all shaped me into who I am today. They all helped me figure out what I really want out of relationships. They weren't who I am supposed to be with FOREVER. They did make me happy, they weren't meant to be with me for the rest of my life.

On days when I find myself doubting that I will find this FOREVER LOVE, the ONE who is meant to be in my life til the day I die, I remind myself that the ONE for me does exist. He is wanting to meet me and marry me as much as I want to meet and marry him. He might even be going through the wrong ONE right now in order to better prepare for a lifetime with me.

God shapes us without us even realizing it. Our happiest of highs with the ONEs of the moment and our lowest of lows with them are all making us better ready to be the type of person who fits perfectly with the ONE God created us for.

They say all you need is ONE, but many of us need to have the wrong ONE or ONEs to know who the right ONE is. The ONE who will be our forever love.

Don't give up hope. Don't be afraid to open up. You never know when God is going to bring your ONE true forever kind of love your way.

Not Proud Enough.

Has there ever been a time in your life you weren't proud of?

A time that you were a person you didn't like and just the thought of looking back makes your stomach churn?

There has been a part of my life where I can look back and say that the person who I was, was a person I couldn't face in the mirror. A person who was so low on self esteem and confidence, a person who was so easily manipulated and a person who couldn't see the downward spiral my life was taking. 

I allowed myself to be controlled by others and let myself fall deeper and deeper into a hole that was leading no where. 

I put myself out there and into the situation fully and completely, I trusted the wrong people and I cared too much what others thought.

It wasn't until just recently that I've had some of the people closest to me point out that the person that I was,  has only helped make me into the person that I am.

A person who is stronger and wiser. A person who can not be easily charmed or swayed or manipulated.

A person who can look at herself in the mirror and know that there is no going back to who I was. 

I know that I was supposed to go through that low moment in my life, because it wasn't until I was feeling so numb and empty that I realized that I was normally so warm and full of life.

I learned we can't let anybody, no matter how good looking, how smart, how charming, how funny, take away our light and who we are as a person.

We don't need to fit anybody's mold. We shouldn't make anybody try to fit our mold.

Life is so precious and there are going to be times when we mess up, sometimes we mess up really big for a short period of time and other times we keep making little bad decisions that add up to a long period of time. We just have to take the mess and clean it up. 

We have to put our best self forward, we don't need to carry around the baggage of our past. Our past doesn't define us. The people who we've been in the past aren't the people that we are.

God did not give me anything I couldn't handle. God knew that the situations He put me in would all be beneficial for me one day. He knew the lessons I would learn and He knew I would get back on the right track.

Sometimes I think society makes us feel like we have to be so perfect that having a past that isn't perfect makes us flawed and damaged goods. Show me a perfect adult on the planet at this very moment...good luck. Because we are all stitched together with flaws and heartbreaks and failures. 

Its how we handle our flaws and heartbreaks and failures. Its how we learn to take the bad times and make them into good lessons. 

Be a person who you can look at in the mirror and be proud of.

No Plans.

Cal.

University of Texas.

Cal Poly.

Chico State.

Stanislaus.

University of Oregon.

Fresno State.

UOP.

UC Davis.

This is a list from my life of all the colleges I thought about going to and at one point really wanted to go there. Some of the desires sparked from things as simple as I went to a football game and had a lot of fun and wanted to be apart of the crowd some day. Some of the reasons I had was because of the AG programs they had to offer. Others were because I knew people who had went there and had a really great time. All through my life I was making these plans to go to college somewhere for whatever reason and that is what they just ended up to be plans.

I wasn't planning on ever wanting to go to the University of Nevada, Reno. When my cousin Morgan got accepted there and she said she was going I still never really gave it any thought. I never really gave it a shot, and yet its the college I chose to transfer to.

While I was walking on campus this morning I was looking at next football seasons schedule and I saw that we were going to be playing Fresno State here, which got me to thinking about how I could have been attending Fresno and how it was also a school I got accepted to. I then thought about the football game I went to at Cal which made me want to attend there when I was in probably the 7th grade. Which then led to my revelation about the reason why I'm inspired to write this blog to you.

(My mind does bounce around a lot)

See the colleges I wanted and desired and one day planned on, ended up just being that, wants, desires and plans. I didn't see myself attending Nevada really until I got my acceptance letter. And the only reason why I really applied in the first place is because my cousin told me there was still time to apply in January so on a fluke I did. I realized that the plans I had for myself weren't at all the plans that God was creating for me and has planned for me.

We spend so much time thinking about the future, and worrying about the future, why? If you were to ask me two years ago what college I would be transferring to from Merced College I probably would have said Chico State. I'm not at Chico State and I'm actually really happy that I'm not. Because I opened myself up to just applying to Nevada, and then got accepted to Nevada, I ended up finding a place that I really love to live at and a campus I love. I think we close ourselves off to too many opportunities because they don't fit in our "plan" and why do we do that?

If I would have never applied to Nevada I wouldn't be on the computer in the Knowledge Center at this very moment being so inspired by the plans God has for me.

I think we try to make our lives fit what we see to be as the perfect plan, we make check lists of houses that we want, or jobs we think we need, or significant others, and in the end those are all lists limiting opportunities.

I have a major, my major is broad and until today I never really felt as confident as I do now about picking that major. My career will be something that isn't planned, I won't have a specific place that I'm going to work or a job that I have to do. This feeling of excitement of the present and the future is overpowering me at this moment!

I am going to stop making plans about big things I have no control over. Like who God is going to place in my life as my husband one day, or what job I'm going to get when I graduate, or how long its going to take me to buy my own house.

I'll keep you updated on how this is going in my life, because it may seem to some of you pretty careless, but I call it faith. I have faith that God will provide me the opportunities and I just need to accept them! Just like I accepted coming to college in Nevada, it wasn't what I had planned, but its one of the best decisions I've ever made thanks to God providing the right time and place.

Maybe you should try it out too, with maybe not worry about one thing, like if you are single, stop making your checklists about who your boyfriend needs to be and posting those vague Facebook status updates that one of your 500 guy friends might notice. Start living! Stop worrying!