Good in Goodbye

Listen to this song and then finish reading my blog.

Carrie Underwood does what she always does and blows us away on her new album "Blown Away" with this track "Good in Goodbye" and this song just makes me think about all the bittersweet moments in life.

There have been friends in my life that it seemed almost inevitable that we could never remain as close as we once were, and hearing about good things happening in their lives make me so happy, but they also make me sad that I can't share in that happiness with them. And Carrie's song is more toward the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but I thought I'd include the feeling of bittersweet you feel toward friends you've lost touch with and kind of felt forced to stop hanging out with.

It also reminds me of close friends who I have watched go through terrible heartbreaks with relationships they thought were meant to be long lasting. This is such an inspiring song that I think we all need to remember when we are getting in our lows about past relationships or friendships. We need to stop making the negative aspects of break ups be the part we talk the most about...there is good in goodbye. Maybe not the day of, or the year following, but it will end up making you stronger and happier.

Sometimes when we end friendships and relationships we get so consumed by the pain and just pray that we can go back to normalcy with them, that we can just be close to them like we once were.

Its hard to think that our lives will ever move on past those friendships and relationships. But there will be the full circle moment day when you feel like Carrie is singing these lines straight to you.

 "I don't regret it, the time we had together, I won't forget it, but we both ended up where we belonged, goodbye made us strong, yeah I'm happy, I found somebody too who makes me happy, and I knew one day I'd see you on the street and it would be bittersweet.As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, I thank God I didn't get what I thought I deserved sometimes life leads you down a different road, when you are holding on to someone you've got to let go some day you'll see the reason why, sometimes there is good in goodbye."

ONE.

I got inspired by a reality TV show, which one? The Bachelorette.

There was something Emily said that stuck out to me when she was talking to Arie about not being with him anymore. She said something to the extent of "I could be really happy with you for a lot of years, but not forever"

Although this was a blow to Arie in her basically saying, I love you but you aren't my soul mate, it got me thinking.

Every person we involve ourselves with in a relationship, it doesn't matter if its two weeks, two months, two years or two decades they all serve their purpose. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a certain amount of time.

Here's an example I came up with that might help get my point across, it was about my previous relationships with guys from my past, and they will all be summed up under the same reference as "He."

He was the ONE that I got to share my first kiss with. He was the ONE who showed me what that High School Sweetheart relationship felt like. He was the ONE who told me I was beautiful and actually made me feel it. He was the ONE who opened up my heart to love fully and completely. He was the ONE who held me when I cried when I lost my grandpa. He was the ONE who made me feel like being in a long distance relationship in college was worth it. He was the ONE who could make me laugh more than anyone else.

He was also the ONE who made me doubt myself and my worth. He was the ONE who made me cry harder than I've ever cried before. He was the ONE who cheated on me. He was the ONE who made me truly feel heartbreak. He was the ONE who made me feel inferior to him. He was the ONE who made me feel empty. He was the ONE who made me feel like I didn't measure up sometimes.

Those guys were all the ONE for me in some way, happy or sad. They all taught me something. They all shaped me into who I am today. They all helped me figure out what I really want out of relationships. They weren't who I am supposed to be with FOREVER. They did make me happy, they weren't meant to be with me for the rest of my life.

On days when I find myself doubting that I will find this FOREVER LOVE, the ONE who is meant to be in my life til the day I die, I remind myself that the ONE for me does exist. He is wanting to meet me and marry me as much as I want to meet and marry him. He might even be going through the wrong ONE right now in order to better prepare for a lifetime with me.

God shapes us without us even realizing it. Our happiest of highs with the ONEs of the moment and our lowest of lows with them are all making us better ready to be the type of person who fits perfectly with the ONE God created us for.

They say all you need is ONE, but many of us need to have the wrong ONE or ONEs to know who the right ONE is. The ONE who will be our forever love.

Don't give up hope. Don't be afraid to open up. You never know when God is going to bring your ONE true forever kind of love your way.

Not Proud Enough.

Has there ever been a time in your life you weren't proud of?

A time that you were a person you didn't like and just the thought of looking back makes your stomach churn?

There has been a part of my life where I can look back and say that the person who I was, was a person I couldn't face in the mirror. A person who was so low on self esteem and confidence, a person who was so easily manipulated and a person who couldn't see the downward spiral my life was taking. 

I allowed myself to be controlled by others and let myself fall deeper and deeper into a hole that was leading no where. 

I put myself out there and into the situation fully and completely, I trusted the wrong people and I cared too much what others thought.

It wasn't until just recently that I've had some of the people closest to me point out that the person that I was,  has only helped make me into the person that I am.

A person who is stronger and wiser. A person who can not be easily charmed or swayed or manipulated.

A person who can look at herself in the mirror and know that there is no going back to who I was. 

I know that I was supposed to go through that low moment in my life, because it wasn't until I was feeling so numb and empty that I realized that I was normally so warm and full of life.

I learned we can't let anybody, no matter how good looking, how smart, how charming, how funny, take away our light and who we are as a person.

We don't need to fit anybody's mold. We shouldn't make anybody try to fit our mold.

Life is so precious and there are going to be times when we mess up, sometimes we mess up really big for a short period of time and other times we keep making little bad decisions that add up to a long period of time. We just have to take the mess and clean it up. 

We have to put our best self forward, we don't need to carry around the baggage of our past. Our past doesn't define us. The people who we've been in the past aren't the people that we are.

God did not give me anything I couldn't handle. God knew that the situations He put me in would all be beneficial for me one day. He knew the lessons I would learn and He knew I would get back on the right track.

Sometimes I think society makes us feel like we have to be so perfect that having a past that isn't perfect makes us flawed and damaged goods. Show me a perfect adult on the planet at this very moment...good luck. Because we are all stitched together with flaws and heartbreaks and failures. 

Its how we handle our flaws and heartbreaks and failures. Its how we learn to take the bad times and make them into good lessons. 

Be a person who you can look at in the mirror and be proud of.

No Plans.

Cal.

University of Texas.

Cal Poly.

Chico State.

Stanislaus.

University of Oregon.

Fresno State.

UOP.

UC Davis.

This is a list from my life of all the colleges I thought about going to and at one point really wanted to go there. Some of the desires sparked from things as simple as I went to a football game and had a lot of fun and wanted to be apart of the crowd some day. Some of the reasons I had was because of the AG programs they had to offer. Others were because I knew people who had went there and had a really great time. All through my life I was making these plans to go to college somewhere for whatever reason and that is what they just ended up to be plans.

I wasn't planning on ever wanting to go to the University of Nevada, Reno. When my cousin Morgan got accepted there and she said she was going I still never really gave it any thought. I never really gave it a shot, and yet its the college I chose to transfer to.

While I was walking on campus this morning I was looking at next football seasons schedule and I saw that we were going to be playing Fresno State here, which got me to thinking about how I could have been attending Fresno and how it was also a school I got accepted to. I then thought about the football game I went to at Cal which made me want to attend there when I was in probably the 7th grade. Which then led to my revelation about the reason why I'm inspired to write this blog to you.

(My mind does bounce around a lot)

See the colleges I wanted and desired and one day planned on, ended up just being that, wants, desires and plans. I didn't see myself attending Nevada really until I got my acceptance letter. And the only reason why I really applied in the first place is because my cousin told me there was still time to apply in January so on a fluke I did. I realized that the plans I had for myself weren't at all the plans that God was creating for me and has planned for me.

We spend so much time thinking about the future, and worrying about the future, why? If you were to ask me two years ago what college I would be transferring to from Merced College I probably would have said Chico State. I'm not at Chico State and I'm actually really happy that I'm not. Because I opened myself up to just applying to Nevada, and then got accepted to Nevada, I ended up finding a place that I really love to live at and a campus I love. I think we close ourselves off to too many opportunities because they don't fit in our "plan" and why do we do that?

If I would have never applied to Nevada I wouldn't be on the computer in the Knowledge Center at this very moment being so inspired by the plans God has for me.

I think we try to make our lives fit what we see to be as the perfect plan, we make check lists of houses that we want, or jobs we think we need, or significant others, and in the end those are all lists limiting opportunities.

I have a major, my major is broad and until today I never really felt as confident as I do now about picking that major. My career will be something that isn't planned, I won't have a specific place that I'm going to work or a job that I have to do. This feeling of excitement of the present and the future is overpowering me at this moment!

I am going to stop making plans about big things I have no control over. Like who God is going to place in my life as my husband one day, or what job I'm going to get when I graduate, or how long its going to take me to buy my own house.

I'll keep you updated on how this is going in my life, because it may seem to some of you pretty careless, but I call it faith. I have faith that God will provide me the opportunities and I just need to accept them! Just like I accepted coming to college in Nevada, it wasn't what I had planned, but its one of the best decisions I've ever made thanks to God providing the right time and place.

Maybe you should try it out too, with maybe not worry about one thing, like if you are single, stop making your checklists about who your boyfriend needs to be and posting those vague Facebook status updates that one of your 500 guy friends might notice. Start living! Stop worrying!



The View From Here

I can get so caught up with how others view me.

There used to be times when I was the most confident person, I'd be silly and happy and completely and entirely myself without having a care how others viewed me.

Somewhere along the lines that person got lost. That person who wore her hair in a messy ponytail, a t-shirt and jeans and hardly ever wore make-up. The person that was so bubbly happy it was obnoxious to some people. The person that loved so hard and constantly wore a smile.

In my realization that who I used to be got lost, I got sad realizing I let this world we live in get the best of me. I realized that the views that others had of me became more important than the view I had of myself.

Somehow I started letting others define me and my self esteem got to be at an all time low. I stopped seeing the beauty I had in myself and the beauty that God (and my parents) gave me. I stopped being myself 100% of the time and got to be so reserved it felt wrong.

I felt the need to be someone I wasn't and it wasn't due to something anyone directly told me. It was something that got built up overtime and who I was started fading away and I wasn't becoming the person I wanted to be...THANKFULLY I realized this in time to save myself before the Kody I once knew was gone forever.

I think we forget to love ourselves. We give love out to family, friends, pets and even strangers. I love everyone before I remember to love myself. I will encourage everyone before I think to encourage myself.

Its not bad to love yourself, its not bad to feel good about yourself, its not bad to be confident in yourself. Don't ever let anyone tell you or let yourself build that up in your mind because guess what? I realized this. I needed the help of a friend and a conversation that evolved itself to stumble upon this realization, but I got there.

I realized that I was at my happiest times when I truly loved myself, every part of myself, especially my imperfections.

This is a reminder to you all, because I needed to be reminded that in this world its all about how others view us, if we are pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, etc....but it doesn't have to be. We don't have to rate ourselves on a scale of our hottness or be anything other than who we feel we are meant to be. "Don't be afraid to step outside of who you've been and become the person you are meant to be, the person that you are."-One Tree Hill

What you do matters.

What you do matters.

I feel like people are placed in each others lives for a reason. I think that God puts us in the people's lives that need us in that moment.

There have been times when I have helped someone get through a really hard time, or they have to me and somehow we lost touch along the way. But I would hope that the help that I provided them and the kindness I showed toward them stuck with them, just like I feel thankful for all the people who are there for the moments in my life where I need them to be.

I think we all get so caught up in ourselves that we forget about the people surrounding us. We notice something on our Facebook or Twitter Feed and notice something seems a little off about a friend or follower we have and don't do anything about it, WHY? Is it because we don't think that we have the time to bother to even listen?

I think that school is important, I think that work is important and I understand that life gets incredibly busy, but is that really an excuse? Is that an excuse to let someone you could really help get through something or do a favor for someone because you don't have the time?

Isn't that what we are all here for? To help each other? Because every time we help someone else and put others above ourselves, we are shining God's light, showing God that we are loving and kind people.

Even the smallest thing can make the biggest difference.

Life is too short to worry about ourselves and not to care for others.

1 Corinthians 16:13,14 says " Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave and be strong. Let all that you do be done with love."

Love each other. And use that love and help someone with it. Even if it is as simple as a check up text or calling someone to catch up.

You never know what moment God will need you to talk to someone, but He will put you there to help...Be open to serve God's plan and help the people in need.

What you do matters.

Much Love and God Bless,
Kody

Good Night Tree Hill

I've been emotional all day, thinking about the ending of my favorite show coming to an end. To most of you One Tree Hill was just a show, and you thought I was a little over the top obsessive, but you don't know what the show actually meant to me.

The show was my outlet, I've watched and re-watched every episode from the past 8 seasons too many times to count, and I made sure my college schedule and work schedule didn't conflict with the past 13 Wednesday Nights, I didn't miss an episode this season, and I have loved every minute of One Tree Hill. I grew up with it.

It was more than just a TV show, it was inspirational, it hit me close to the heart, it said the words every week I needed to hear. On a bad day, if I knew One Tree Hill was coming on I knew it would get better. I feel so connected to all the characters and feel as if I know them as my closest friends and saying good bye to them tonight on the series finale was a tough thing to do.

One Tree Hill cast and crew did not let the fans down this last episode, it was literally perfect, it was everything that any fan would have wanted, and it left me feeling complete. I didn't want it to end it was so good and perfect and sweet. It was the happy ending that it deserved to have. It was beautiful and wonderful and so well thought out that I started crying multiple times throughout. The first hour of the 2 hour finale was very special because it just went to show the fans again another reason why we have tuned in every week, the cast and crew truly love us. Hearing the stories and letting us in made me feel even more connected with the show and even though I have been struggling with saying good bye all day it made it easier. It made it easier because of how far the show has came, and how much we've all grown up throughout the years its been on. Watching the finale made me feel so happy, it made me feel like we were finally getting to see that light in life, that everything is okay in the end. Hearing a live version one last time on the show of Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Wanna Be" really got the water works flowing for me. Then the last minutes when the whole gang is at the basketball game years later was the perfect way to end it. Watching the characters grow and struggle has been something the fans have had the chance to be let in and  to see the wishes they made come true (Even if it was just in the show) made us all feel a little safer, and a little more confident.

One Tree Hill was a special show that went where no other show has gone before...it hit close to the hearts of the fans, and it has the most loyal fan base I've ever seen and I'm proud to be a part of it. One Tree Hill fans have a special place in their hearts for One Tree Hill.

I wasn't sure if I could write this blog because I didn't know if I would be able to give the show justice, the show that helped me get through some really hard times, the show that I went to for strength and for laughs, the show that I grew up watching and the show that helped shape me in ways to make me who I am today.

I owe so much to the cast and crew of One Tree Hill, you've given me and so many others something to believe in something so special, a part of a family that can bring so many different people together to watch the epic show that made it.

I would love to say that I was, but I wasn't always a follower of OTH from day 1, I actually owe one of my best friends Lindsey a great thank you for introducing it to me. We were washing our heifers preparing for county fair in our small California dairy town, Hilmar, and we wanted to take a break while the heifers dried, we went into her room and started watching a tv show on DVD that I didn't really ever know about. It was season 3 and it was the episode of the school shooting, I was instantly drawn in, asking her about a million questions when she did me one of the best gifts and let me borrow her DVDs seasons 1-3. I watched them in less than 2 weeks I was so glued, I literally spent that summer obsessing about this great show One Tree Hill and was angry with myself that I hadn't watched it from the beginning. My boyfriend at the time bought me season 4 right before season 5 was airing and I watched season 4 in two days. I started watching season 5 while the episodes aired and it seemed very special because I was starting that new journey with them. I was happy to have made the four year jump with them.

One Tree Hill has become a part of me, and so have the characters. I have always gravitated toward Brooke and Haley's characters, they were the women who inspired me the most, seasons 1-9. They were strong, and gracefully weak, they were fighters and they were best friends.

I never gave up hope in the show and every season where we thought it might not get picked up again I didn't know what I would do with myself because I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to say good bye. I needed more time I had just started watching it with them.

When Lucas and Peyton both left the show many viewers were skeptical of what might be but with Julian, Clay and Quinn I don't know how they could have been. Its hard to think of the show without the three of them. They were such huge parts of the past seasons, they belong in Tree Hill and in our hearts. Julian finally brought us Team Brooke fans happiness when he married her and made her dreams come true in every way possible. And Clay and Quinn's storyline has always been a very special one to follow, and both played by amazing actors.

I couldn't write this blog and not mention Haley and Nathan, they were the characters that gave me hope. Nathan is the type of man girls dream of marrying, the ones who will protect, who will love unconditionally, who will never stray their eyes to cheat, who will do whatever it takes to get home and be with his family. Haley is the kind and compassionate woman who also has the sparky side of her, she's a great mother and a fighter for her family and husband. With their "always and forever" saying and the countless Naley memories us OTH fans carry close with us, we have to agree with Brooke's speech at their wedding "When I look at Haley and Nathan I feel safer" they gave us that safe place to go to and the hope that love exsists.


 The Final Episode was the perfect closure.

I'm so thankful to have been a fan and a part of it.












To the cast and crew,

Without you and your hard work and dedication to the fans and making the best show possible I don't know where I would be. I wish I would have been able to afford to fly to Wilmington while you all were still there and you  were still filming to see some of it actually happen. What you all put together was something magical and something I hold very close to my heart. One Tree Hill is a part of me, I will carry it with me where ever I go and in whatever I do. I have and will most likely use lines from the show in  my everyday ordinary life. I feel like each character has become like a best friend to me and I know them so well. With the help of twitter I've been able to get a glimpse of who you all are in real life outside of character and let me tell you, you make me laugh and smile and inspire me outside of your characters, just by being you! You are all so compassionate and the time and dedication you have put into this show matters. Because like the last episode, and episodes before it say...what you do matters. The time and effort you put in matters, these past seasons have got me through break ups, bad days, happy days, rainy days, my birthdays, Mondays, Wednesdays...etc. I'm a better person today because of your efforts on the show. I'm a stronger person today of the lessons I've learned on the show. I have better comeback lines because of the show. My thanks and blog cannot do it all justice, each and every one of the cast members that ever spent even a second on OTH, and each member of the crew and especially the creator, Mark Schwahn thank you.

Love,
Kody
One Tree Hill will hold a place in my heart and will be with me, always and forever.