All or Nothing.

I have been for as long as I can remember an ALL or NOTHING kind of girl. I have always had the hardest time finding a middle ground. The way this life is has its perks, but it also has some bad consequences.

The perks, the people I love and surround myself with, I love with all my heart, I give them everything, I'll give them my time, I'll drive hours to visit, I will do almost anything for them. I give the people I care about so much, but the bad consequence from this is when I give everything and get nothing back.

The part that hurts is when I go from making someone a priority to becoming at the bottom of their list. It is hard from me to make the transition from giving my all to giving nothing. Even though I have been hurt or used, I still feel like giving them a try because I can't imagine them being nothing in my life.

I can't seem to find that middle ground, from all to something. As a way to protect myself I tend to make relationships that end into nothing because its easier that way. Its easier not communicating, not caring and so on. But it would be nice to be able to find that middle ground that allows me to not think about them every day, or hold any resentment toward them. I don't know how to just be friends with some people who have really hurt me in my past. Or not even be friends but just be casual acquaintances.

I have an addictive personality, once I get a taste of something, I want to keep doing it, drinking it, eating it, listening to it, watching it and so on. I can't just like to watch a show, I have to watch every single episode, know the actors real names, and follow them on Twitter, I either go all in and love a show, or I don't care and don't watch it. If I like a singer, I LOVE a singer, I put them on repeat, I download all their songs, I read up on their story and I know their song lyrics like I know my phone number. It doesn't just stop there, if I go into a project, I throw myself into a project. I strive to make the project perfection. I can't just do my part in the project, I have to go above and beyond.

I have known I am like this for a really long time, but it has recently been thrown at my face that I need to really be able to find that middle ground and not be so all or nothing about EVERYTHING. There are times for grey areas and it doesn't always have to be black and white.  I'm going to work on it. I'll let you know how that goes.