In Pieces

Ever felt like your heart was literally shattered into a million little pieces and the thought of it ever being repaired seemed to be impossible?

Anybody who has dealt with a broken heart has felt this way and to say you haven't well, you must not have experienced it.

I've lived the broken heart, I couldn't get out of bed and the thought of ever laughing again and truly being happy was so out of the question.

I thought  'I need to fix myself before I can ever be with anybody else'

But then it hit me, thats what we all try to do, we all try to fix ourselves when really we can't do it all alone.

I'm not talking about having another boy come along being the knight in shining armor who we think can make the pain and heart ache disappear into thin air and fix our hearts, I'm talking about God.

When your heart breaks God picks up the pieces, and He carefully puts them back into place in the perfect amount of time. He knows what is best for you and gives you the strength you need to get through it, He has a plan and His plan is to make your heart whole again, to make you feel complete and only God can do that.

Its been said when you have a broken heart you lose pieces of yourself along the way that you never get back, and I say that is true. God keeps the pieces and He mends them and fixes them and makes them stronger than they ever were before, and He wouldn't give you the old pieces of yourself because who you were when your heart broke isn't who you are now.

Who you are now is stronger and wiser and happier. Who you are now is more confident and beautiful.

Its not to say that if you give your heart away to someone else again that it will never be broken, but then God will do what God does best and fix you right up again.

The best hands you can be in are the Lords, so wouldn't you want Him to fix you and put the pieces back together again?

I know I'm trusting Him with my heart.

Hilmar Owned The Night

Ever been overwhelmed by emotion? When your in a moment that you know is bigger than you are and what you are about to see or watch unfold is really going to be special and something worth remembering?

I had the opportunity to be a part of one of those moments. 

I was raised in a small town called Hilmar, I've blogged about it before, and its one of those things I guess you don't really know what it is like to be from Hilmar unless you are. I grew up being the football coach's daughter.  In sixth grade I started helping out the High school football team by being the ball girl. My dad became the head coach the next season and I was so glad I got to be on the field watching my dad coach, got to be behind the scenes listening to his speeches at half time or before the game and I really got a chance to see my dad doing something he loved and was so passionate about. Those years on the sidelines I would never take back for anything. 

While being on the sidelines I fell more and more in love with the game, and more and more in love with Hilmar Football. I also grew to strongly strongly dislike certain teams, especially Escalon. They were Hilmar's rivals and I watched my dad's team beat them to win league year after year but watched sadly as Escalon beat us in the section title games. 

There are somethings you just don't out grow. I know I'll never out grow my love of Hilmar Football and I know I'll never out grow my strong dislike for Escalon. I rarely even wear the color purple because of it! (YES I know that is overboard:)

Well back to those moments when you get overwhelmed by something greater than yourself...I have been a part of one of those moments actually a couple of times, once when my dad lead Hilmar to win his first section title for football against the Central Catholic Raiders. But the moment I'm talking about is one that seemed even greater than that. It was the section championship game against Escalon which was last Friday.  

You know how I said that you really don't know what Hilmar is like til you live in Hilmar? Well if you had the chance to be in Hilmar last Friday you would know the feeling I'm talking about, the feeling of being a part of something greater than yourself. 

American Flags lined the main road, store fronts had signs with encouraging messages for the team, handmade posters were up all over town, and it just felt like the start of something that was going to be unforgettable. 

I won't lie to you, I wasn't getting too overwhelmed with emotion or tearing up at all driving around town, I felt a sense of pride and thankfulness, that the place where I call home was somewhere magical and like something you see in movies  (but way better:) 

I didn't tear up until it all hit me, parents, students, family members and community members waited in the parking lot, pom poms in hand, signs up and green and gold on waiting for the players and coaches to get on that yellow bus that said Hilmar on the side. We were cheering and watching those boys get on the bus full well knowing that they were headed to play the game of their lives, and most of them to play the last game of football of their lives. Seeing my dad walk toward the bus is what made me tear up the most, what an amazing incredible ride he has been on and the journey he has taken to get to where he was was so overwhelming I was so proud of him and our family had one big hug before he got on to that bus and I just knew that the game was going to change us, our family, our community. The fire truck escorted Hilmar down lander, fans on the sidewalks, business owners outside their businesses all waving and cheering for the jackets it was so overwhelming, I cried the whole way til the freeway. 

At the game letter jackets were worn by people who had been out of school for years still there prideful hoping for the same thing I was hoping for, to finally beat Escalon in sections and feeling that victory that was  much deserved! 

One star was in the sky that night, and we all knew who it was, it was Coach Franky. For those of you who don't know Coach Franky, he was an incredible addition to the coaching staff who was taken from this world way too young and way too soon because he was so amazing God needed him in Heaven. When he passed this summer it took a toll on the coaching staff, players and the community, we all wanted to win the blue banner for Coach Franky. He always said "Whatever it Takes" and that was the motto this season. Franky loved the game of football and one of the happiest days I ever saw Franky was when we won the first blue banner for the section title against Central Catholic. His smile from that day is burned into my memory. Well we knew that we had our coach watching over us from the best seat in the house being our angel in the endzone. Franky must have loved watching that game, and probably high-fived God numerous times throughout.  If you got to go to that game I'm sure you were on the edge of your seat no matter what side you were rooting for, because it was a good one. Maybe that it was Franky that kept me so calm in knowing that we were going to win (although I did shake the bell too hard and cheered til my head got dizzy)  but even while watching it was like I knew we were going to win, I was excited and loud but I really never thought that losing was an option. It was Hilmar's night to shine for their star/angel Franky. 

I felt like I was watching an episode of Friday Night Lights with the crazy plays, the starting quarterback getting hurt, the other team trying to ice our kicker and the feel of it all and we did even have a "clear eyes full hearts can't lose" poster which was probably another reason why I felt like it was an episode of Friday Night Lights.

After our kicker made the field goal after tried to be iced by three consecutive time outs the game was over in a matter of seconds and the little town of Hilmar got to finally get their championship from Escalon. Escalon is one of those teams you love to hate because they are so good, and they did beat us to win league this year so it was even sweeter to win in Sections. Oh and not to forget to mention end Escalon's 25 game winning streak on my sisters 25th birthday:)

That night Facebook statuses were posted from Hilmar alumni of all ages and community members and tweets were sent out and phone calls and texts were made and the town we loved so much got to own the night.

Coach Franky was with us all this season especially the boys and the coaches and I know God got one BIG FRANKY BEAR HUG we all miss when his Hilmar Yellowjackets beat Escalon for the blue banner and section championship!

What those boys left on the field is respected by so many, including me. They played hard and saw that hard work does pay off. 

Words can't express how thankful I am that I got to be apart of the night that Hilmar owned. And especially how proud I am of my dad, I'm so glad he slayed the dragon(cougar) named Escalon. 

Thank you Jackets for letting me be a part of something greater than myself, and for giving me a memory that will last my lifetime.

Proud to be from Hilmar and Proud to be Coach Frank Marques' Daughter:)

Where Money Ranks

Money ranks society, we base the rich high class people off the billions and millions of dollars that they have, the middle class is where most of us fall and then there are the people who hardly have any money at all and they are low class. But is money what we should rank ourselves with?
Because I believe money is not the most important thing in this world, and the day you start thinking that is the day you are wrong. Money might be the the thing that gets you things that you want like a car or a house or even that dream vacation. It might put the more expensive food on your table, let you get the top shelf liquor when you are out as opposed to just the well drinks, it might get you the designer jeans and the high dollar purses and all those things are great, and who wouldn't love to be able to have all those things? Not have to stress a day in their life for money and just be able to spend it and do whatever your heart desires, but really where does that get you? Whats a fancy car to drive when you are too worried to take it out of the garage incase you might wreck it? What is the reason to own the big house without a family to put inside of it? What is that dream vacation if you don't have someone to share it with? What makes the expensive food better for you? Why only buy top shelf liquor if you are spending it on girls or guys you'll only spend one night with and leave in the morning? What really does the brand of your purse or jeans have to do with? I guess what I'm trying to say is what does all of that stuff mean without people surrounding you? And not just people, family who loves and cares about you and would be by your side no matter if you only had a penny in your name, or a significant other who thinks your jokes are funny and lights up when you walk in the room and wants to spend every day with you, even the bad ones. The friends who have stuck by your side in the worst of times and the best of times who have become close like family. The relationship that you hold with God and the closeness that you share with Him. Aren't these the things that actually matter? I'm pretty sure no amount of money can buy relationships, not real ones anyway. You can make a whole bunch of money and have fake friends who join your band wagon just because you are rich, but they are just in it for the fame and the luxury. Significant others cannot be bought, there are gold diggers out there, but once again, that isn't real love, thats greed. Money does buy a lot. But I'd take my relationships with my family over making millions any day. Call me crazy but aren't the relationships that I hold the things that really matter? Money comes and goes and the things that you buy while you are on this Earth are only temporary but the relationships that you hold with God, Family and Friends those last forever. Maybe its just Thanksgiving making me think like this because I'm so thankful for all of my family and friends and God especially, but its something to think about, next time you feel money hungry remember, there are more important things in life. Would you rather be rich with all the money you could ever want that you can burn through or sit on, or would you rather be rich with relationships that won't fade with the people who truly love you for you?

Love Is.

Love.

It is the thing that God created for us to give away and to receive. There are many forms of love, first love of God, and your family, friends, neighbors and even your enemies. God tells you to love everyone. But the verse I know we've all heard even if it was just in movies is...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails

This is the verse you hear at weddings, this is the verse that inspires me. I want to be in a love like that with a man. I want the people I love around me to find their soul mates who love them like that.

A love that is patient, even when it is hard and your significant other is on your last nerve, someone who has that patience in their heart for you.

A love that is kind, a person who will drop everything and expect nothing in return even though they would know I would do the same for them. Someone who holds doors open, who blesses someone when they sneeze, someone who calls their mom to check in to see how she is doing.

A love that does not envy. Such a love that will be proud of the accomplishments that the other person achieves, who is supportive and wants nothing but the best for me.

A love that does not boast, not to be one of those showy couples who have to proclaim their love to each other 24/7 in front of everyone, I want a love that people can see, a relationship that is so apparent that we are in love that there is no need to boast.

A love that is not proud. It ties in with the boasting, I want a love that speaks for itself.

A love that does not dishonor others. Someone who respects your family and your friends, who respects your background and even not just the people you hold close, but everyone...I want a love that doesn't dishonor others.

A love that is not self-seeking...I'm not looking to be fixed and I don't want someone else to come to me to fix them. I want someone who is not just looking out for number one, someone who considers me and turns to me and above all is a man who turns to God.

A love that is not easily angered. Being in a relationship when the person you are with gets angry easily is something that is very fearful, and it isn't love. I am not saying that I think love is happiness and smiles all the time and there won't be disagreements but when those disagreements arise I don't want the person to get so angry at me so quickly.

A love that keeps a record of no wrongs. Confession, something God allows us to do, He wipes our sin away and cleans the slate when we confess we've done wrong. God loves us, and when the person you love apologizes and feels remorseful and you forgive them, it is then over with, it is not to be stored away to bring up in a fight to prove your point, once forgiven the slate is wiped clean.

A love that does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. I don't want someone who will lie to me, and I would expect them to want the same from me, the truth is the best policy. Feeling good about lying or doing wrong is sickening, feeling good about telling the truth is freeing.

A love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Someone who will stand beside me, who will keep me safe from harm. Someone who I don't have to question when they leave to hang out with the guys for a night, someone who I can trust. Someone who keeps me hoping and we hope together someone that lasts.

I want a love that never fails.

Looking to that verse for what love is helps. I've been doing a lot of searching lately in myself and wondered about myself and why the relationships I had didn't work out. I scared myself thinking that the one is still out there and my true love hasn't been met yet. I sat and thought about what would mean a lot to me and what love should be.

I thought that with all the of the verse and everything that states, but I also thought of some more things. I want someone who knows what he has when he has me, and I know what I have when I have him. I want someone who loves me like I love them and I'm not the only one rowing the boat in the relationship alone. I want someone who makes me feel beautiful everyday and thinks that I'm the only one out there and that I am good enough. I want a guy to remain faithful and not have to go to other girls for whatever reason he may see fit. I want a guy who doesn't pry about my past and I don't want to pry into his, I want a guy to accept me for who I am. A guy who loves my imperfections and understands that I'm not perfect. I want a guy who is a hard worker and isn't afraid to get his hands dirty. I want a guy who loves his family and treats his mother with respect. I want a man who values women and doesn't treat them like they are inferior. I want to be loved like my dad loves my mom, and my grandpas have loved my grandmas and my brother in laws love my sisters. And yes this list seems very long of all these things that I want but truly I would want a guy to expect all of these things from me.

I'm not rushing into love, or even looking for love, but the idea of actually feeling and being loved like that gives me hope for the future. It scares the crap out of me at the same time...giving myself to someone completely and having them do the same and both being fully invested. When you've been burned one time too many its hard to put yourself in that place to accept that you will love again.

I know I've been all over saying what I want, but honestly, I want this love for each and every one of you. A love that is not perfect, but a love that is true and pure and something worth holding on to.

The Middle.

"Take each day and make it last, cause you turn around and the future is the past, here and now its all we have, the beginning and the end means so little what matters most is whats in the middle."-Lauren Alania

Lauren Alania's song "The Middle" has really inspired me. Just the first few lyrics I wrote up there to share with you is just a bit of the song that is inspiring. It is so true, take each day and make it last.

Why do we allow our lives to get in lulls? Why do we just go through the motions?

Can we actually follow the advice in the song, can we really take each day and make it last?

I've been inspired because I'm guilty of lulls and going through the motions. I want to live the life that she sings about in the song, the kind of person who makes people smile when they look back they say things about you like, "The simple things were golden you found beauty in every moment"


"The day your born is just a start, your last breath is a question mark the story of your life is in the in between."

Just look at the people you love that you go to be there waiting in the waiting room (or giving labor to them) and think about how happy you were when they were born and you just thought this baby is going to have such a great life I'm going to love them and care for them and teach them.

And think about the people who have impacted your life who God decided He needed more. The people that leave us, either suddenly or we were able to prepare the best we can. We are sad because those people left our lives and we can't hug them or see them, but those people who impacted your life inspired you, they showed you things in life that you want to be, I just look back at the blessings I've had with the great grandparents and grandparents I've had the honor of knowing seeing the way they lived their lives and the life that they built and the families they built were so inspiring. The people that die "too soon" that we love, they tend to be the ones full of life too, the ones who make the most of life and are always so happy and loving, when you look back on their life you smile because they made the most of it.

Really the beginning and the end does mean so little, yes we as a culture find it important to base things on dates and I love birthdays to celebrate and I always think about my loved ones when the anniversaries of their deaths come up, but really the in between is what matters. Birthdays are just numbers in reality, the numbers that don't define us, what define us are the people we are and what we do with our lives. The way we live out the middle.

Take some time (more than you have so graciously have by reading this) and really listen to this song, I bought it on iTunes and I listen to it at least 10 times a day. Its so inspiring.

"The beginning and then end mean so little, what matters most is what's in the middle"

Stay Shining!

Don't ever let anyone have the power to turn off the bright light you have inside of you.

Unfortunately there are people out there who are terribly unhappy with there lives, and these people have a way of trying to bring a happy person down.

I've said before, "hating someone gives them too much credit." What I''ve meant by that is letting an emotion as strong as hate come over you toward another person is allowing that person too close to your life. A person that could drive you to actually hate them is not someone you need to be focusing on at all. Don't let them have the control over you to make you want to hate them. Because hating them is still letting you feel an emotion toward them when the only thing you should feel toward them is nothingness.

 I get sad when I witness someones light getting burned out by a careless person who is taking their anger out and whatever else drives them to be how they are.

What makes people so unhappy, so hurtful and so ungrateful?

Why do we let those people dictate our emotions and allow them to let us dim our lights that have the potential of shining brightly?

I think we should stop giving those people the credit. We shouldn't allow them to turn our lights even slightly dim.

You have a bright light inside of you which shines for the life that you lead, a life full of love and happiness surrounded by many good people. Shine your light for yourself and especially shine it for God. He will take care of the bad guys out there trying to bring people down.

I'm not saying it will be an easy task, some people are very skilled at making somebody else angry or flustered but just try it. Take a deep breath in those situations, smile and try to not let them affect you. Leave it in Gods hands remember He says for us not to "repay evil with evil but to repay evil with good."

Who will be there?

Without hesitation, without reservation you should be there for someone you care about anytime, day or night.

Family, Friends, Significant Other.

I think we get so lost in our priorties we forget about the important things in life, which aren't things at all, they are people. The people in our life that matter, the ones that are there for us.

Think about your last week who called, texted, took time out of their day to see you, Facebooked, Tweeted, got in touch with you. What did you talk about? Did you laugh? Did you cry? Did you share secrets or just talk about the contents of your day??

Now think about the people who contacted you and reached out to you when something bad happened in your life. Is your list bigger or smaller?

Normally we try to rise to an occasion when something bad happens to someone we love, if they lost a loved one, got broken up with, got laid off, or was diagnosed with an illness. We send flowers, write cards, communicate thoughout the week and let them know how much we care by feeding them, hugging them, listening to them, crying with them. But then after the time settles down we tend to let go of the constant communication, we get wrapped up in our own lives and forget to call to check in or ignore the text messages we get.

I have been though what I've considered as tragedies in my life, I've lost grandparents, family members and close friends and I suffered from a broken heart and during those times people I loved stepped up, and I was so grateful, but the times I feel the most grateful are the times when I get randomly texted when everything seems back to normal, or the days I get called or skyped or sent something in the mail. The people who still care when things are going mediocre in my life,when nothing is too exciting or too sad.

Why do we slack when it comes to every day relationships? Why do we leave the ones we love out of our everyday lives? How hard is it to pick up a phone and take five minutes out of your day to call someone once a week or every two weeks? Why do we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we can't make time for the ones who are there for us when we need them most on just an average day?

Take the time today to tell someone you love them, your thankful for them, or just to catch up.

And if someone you know is going through a hard time, be there for them in whatever way you can, and continue to do so after the rain even stops pouring on them.

The only thing we leave behind with the ones we love when we go are the memories we have with them. Would you rather only have memories during the highest of highs and lowest of lows or memories thoughout life, bad, good, and normal.

Just think about it.

Where Anger Leads Me.

Bless those who persecute you, bless and not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceablly with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves but rather give place to wrath, for it is written "Vengenace is Mine, I will repay" says the Lord. Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in doing so you will heap coals of fire on his head" Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil by good. -Romans 12:14-21

This is the Bible verse I turn to in my times of anger, when I feel like the bad people I know of keep getting away with doing bad things, that everyone sees them as a nice person, and maybe I'm the crazy one who sees otherwise. This verse reminds me, God knows what my enemy is really like, God is telling me that I need to not overcome the evil with evil, but overcome it with good. Man is it hard, you know, to actually take the high road, to turn the other cheek. That we need to pray for those who do us harm, cause us pain and make us hurt, and not wish bad things upon them. We need to be excited for when others are excited and we need to feel for others pain when they are down and crying. We shouldn't think that we are above one another, but we need to be humble in our lives. We need to treat everyone with respect, because we are all human and we should be living peaceably with each other.

Trust and Faith are the two words that come to mind when I think of this verse. We have to trust and have faith in God that He will repay the evil, and He will take care of us. He's our protector, He knows what is best for us. We need to honor him by being kind, compassionate and humble.

So when you are having a heart that is filling up fast with anger and you are writing angry letters, or wanting to punch them square in the jaw, turn to this verse, read it and let it calm you down. Let the verse work in your life, and remember, God has your back:)

Compliments :)

"I love that shirt"

"Your hair looks so good today"

"You look so cute"

"You are really pretty"

Have you told anybody something like this today?

Have you been told something like this by anybody today?

Compliments.

I think that compliments are key to a happy day. If you are the giver or the reciever and even better when you are both!

My goal that I've been trying really hard at is telling at least one person at school and wherever I may be something nice about them, about their hair, make-up, clothes, smile, whatever! Just something positive and something uplifting that makes someone else smile.

Think about when someone tells you something nice to you, it changes your whole day, shifts it toward the positive when it was headed negatively. Sometimes it can be extremely hard to take a compliment, but I learned a smile and a thank you is a great way to take one.

I think we get caught going to fast to forget about our neighbors, we all are in the same boat, am I pretty enough? Does this shirt look good? My hair look okay? We pick ourselves apart and we are our own biggest critics, and by being critics we turn negative toward other people, and that is a shame.

I think we should encourage one another, we should tell someone something little like we like their jeans. A girl in my class told me last week she liked my boots and I was so flattered, and they are just boots! But I smiled and felt good inside. I feel like that when I give other people compliments as well.

And don't just compliment people you know, although I'm sure they'd love that, but compliment people you don't know!

Go out and compliment! :)

Change Takes Courage

Ever get stuck in a rut? You feel like you are just going through the motions and nothing can seem to change it.

Ever feel like you are headed down a road you don't want to go ? You feel like your caught in some riptide that won't let you out

Ever feel like you are a disappointment? You feel like it doesn't matter what you are doing you feel like you are letting others down especially yourself.

If you are asking yourself any of those questions or relate to them somehow and feel those things, I must say I'm right there with ya.

It is extremely hard to make change. And once you make a change how do you know it is going to work out? How do you know that you've picked the right way?

I want to be a better version of myself. I want to work out more, study harder, keep my room clean, put more effort in my apperance, and be a more approachable person.

That list to me sometimes overwhelms me that is a lot of things to do and change. I have been putting everything off for sometime now and now is the best time.

NOW IS MY LIFE. NOW IS YOUR LIFE.

Start today by making the changes you want, it takes a lot of courage to go out and do something you aren't used to doing. I moved away from home, and that change was tough, it took courage and I'm learning so much and growing so much from it.

People around you will support you and your decision to better yourself and do the right things to make a better you, LET THEM HELP YOU.

That too takes courage. Letting someone help you better yourself...it sometimes is a fine line, especially on those days when you don't feel like having someone check in. Don't let that discourage you! You will have days when you want to give up, but you will have your support group who will help you realize you shouldn't and that the goals you created for yourself can be accomplished.

I am a work in progress. I have a lot of different things I want to better myself at, and I just have to try every day. And eventually they say if you try and try it just becomes natural and second nature to you.

You know like when you go through a break up and someone says well just start smiling, even if its fake, and one day you will realize your smile is genuine.

Change takes courage, we all get scared to make changes especially when we've gotten in our routines and painted this picture of how we are, but how we are isn't necessarily how we should be or who we are meant to be.

Taking a chance on making a change is risky, but if you don't take risks, you can't reap the benefits.

This is something I am struggling with too, I have to remember to do these tips I'm advising.

Maybe this can be something we work on together, we can encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves.

Because if every person tried a little bit to make a change to be a little better imagine how much more confident we'd be. Imagine how much nicer you are when you aren't unhappy inside!

Today is the day to make the change. You have the courage inside of you now reach in and grab it out, do what is best for you and be the best version of yourself!

The Only Chance You've Got

So I'll admit it, I inspired myself :)

I'll explain...

My most recent blog was my list of things to do in life and it was so fun to share that with all of you, and while writing I was reflecting and thinking about all the people I've had in my life who have helped me along the way. So there's your explanation, and here is my newest blog

The Only Chance You've Got

We only have one life. We can't turn back time and erase the bad or even just so we can relive the happy. We can't pause life and think about it long and hard before we have to make a critical decision. Simply, right now is all we are guaranteed.

How did you get to this moment to where you are at this very second?
What brought you here?
What shaped the choices you've made along the way?
Who was by your side at your thriumphs?
Who was by your side at your failures?

All of these were questions I've sat long and thought hard about lately.

We get so caught up in reasons why friendships or relationships fail. We all get so mad and build up so much anger toward people who were there for us in every way at one point in our lives. I know I have done that, I think of the stupid things that have been said by me who might have driven away a good person, I think of the times when something seemed like such a big deal it pushed certain people out of my life, I've made lists i my head of what people have done wrong to me and only focused on that.

WHY?

I got angry sitting here thinking asking myself WHY?

I do believe that certain people are supposed to be in your life for a reason, like to help you get through a rough spot, or there to make the "fun times funner" (had to used a Ramona and Beezus Quote)

You can't stay close with every person you've ever had shared a moment with in your life, that would be near impossible to stay close to EVERY person you've had help you and shape you and laugh with you and cry with you, well that list is pretty long...I know mine is pretty long and I'm only 21.

But that is my problem, and maybe it is yours too, I think of all the CAN'Ts.

"I can't be friends with them anymore that one time when we were Juniors in High School and she said that one thing about me."
"I can't talk to him I'll be so embarrassed"
"I can't face them after what I heard them say about me"
"I can't talk to him again he's my ex boyfriend from High School"
"I can't reach out to her because she won't even care"
"I can't swallow my pride, facing them is going to be too tough"
"I can't be nice to that person, they said something really awful about me a long time ago"

What I never thought of was the I CANs

"I can try to see what she's up to, we haven't talked in forever and High School was so long ago"
"I can talk to him, what do I have to lose?"
"I can try to see if what they said about me were true"
"I can be civil with my ex boyfriend from High School"
"I can try to reach out to her again, what if she cares now"
"I can swallow my pride"
"I can be nice to them, that was a really long time ago"

We just focus so much on the bad. As a culture we thrive on hearing bad things happen, what is the ratio of good news to bad news we hear? We are negative more often than we realize and that is sad. Why not be positive? Why not tell your waitress' manager they've done a good job instead of only telling them when the waitress has done bad? Why not track down someone you've lost touch with just to see how they are doing? Why not tell someone if you really like their hair or outfit? Why not report the good news to you friends only and leave the rumors you've heard aside?

I am not urging you to track down a ex boyfriend or best friend you may have had and try to make them your current boyfriend or current best friend.

After doing my list of things to do in life blog I felt a wave of thankfulness come over me. I have met some really great people in my life, they've stood by my side when I was wrong and right, they held me when I cried, they made me laugh til my sides ached, they helped me get through certain moments of my life. And I was focusing on the bad things they had done and looking back in the rear view mirror is clearer than when your driving in the current moment. I know that the people that are currently in my life are the people that are meant to be, and the ones I've loved along the way will always hold a place in my mind and heart, but we've only got one life and we can't live it in the past trying to mend every fence, trying to repair every window you've thrown a stone though. What we can do is take an opportunity when given one, if you run into someone you've had drama with in High School, get over it. Life is too short and for me High School was only 4 years ago and it feels like an eternity, and you may have been out longer. Stop talking bad about what someone did so long ago, they may  have led you to the people you have surrounding you in your life now.

Be more thankful and be less cynical.

You've only got one life, and you might feel better if you take the weight off you've been carrying for that grudge.

So how about you be kind, be compassionate, be thoughtful, be optimistic because you can be, we all can be

"It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you, its what you leave behind you when you are gone" Randy Travis.

My List.

When I started High School in 2004 I also started a List.

It was titled "List Of Things To Do In Life" it was written in a red compostion notebook and guess what?? I've still got it, I still write in it and never before have I shared this with more than maybe three people but it is a long, LONG list that has some pretty easily attainable things to accomplish and others that are most likely never going to happen. They are in no particular order and if they are underlined that means that they have been accomplished, if they are striked through it means I won't be able to do it and I missed my time :) and if it looks like this I'm working on it daily:)
Keep in Mind this has no particular order and remember too...this started when I was 14 years old!
ENJOY!

1. Graduate High School (June 5, 2008)

2. Make a Quilt (Ms Shaper's Class 2006)
3. Be the football stat girl all four years (1/2 way accomplished, the other 1/2 I was student trainer so it still counts:) its my list)

4. Be on a Varsity Sport (Track Girls Varsity 2005, 2006, 2007)

5. Show Heifer (Mo, Jersey 2005-2006)
6. Place Top 3 Heifers
7. Get my Drivers Permit (August 8, 2006)
8. Get my Drivers License (April 2, 2007)
9. Ride a Horse
10. Make Moonshine with Avo Manuel (2008)
11. Take Sewing Class (Ms. Shaper's Class 2006)
12. Drive by the moonlight (September 1, 2006 with Brenton, Lauren and Sal
13. Go to Morp (2005)

14. Go to Formal (2005)
15. Go to Prom (2007)

16. Go to 25/50 states
17. Get married (December 16, 2017 CAMERON!)
18. Go to college (Merced College August 2008-June 2011, University of Nevada Reno August 2011-2013)
19. Have a job I love (Hilmar Cheese Company June 2017-)
20. Go snowboarding
21. Go wakeboarding
22. Go snowsking
23. Go watersking
24. Have Kids
25. Sit in a rocking chair when I am old with my husband
26. Adopt a Highway
27. Coach t-ball (2017)
28. Coach Volleyball
29. Have a pretty garden
30. Live in my own yellow house
31. Have a Frog (Hermie at Davis Lake 2006)
32. Go to Las Vegas (Lacy's 21st December 2007)

33. Make cards for all my family and friends for the whole year
34. Be in a small group (Norma 2005)

35. Order something from TV (INSANITY 2012)
36. Toilet Paper somebody's car
37. Watch the Rose Parade Live
38. Go to a World Series game
39. Go to a Pro Football Game (Raiders VS Broncos Fall 2008)
40. Take a Pottery Class
41. Buy a Lottery Ticket (January 10, 2008)
42. Take a woodshop class
43. Make a pot
44. Raise Animals
45. Throw a surprise party (Lacy 25, Mom 50)
46. Make a Pie
47. Make a homemade Pizza(Cameron 2015)
48. Swim under a waterfall (Bass Lake 2006)

49. Own a Truck
50. Have a Part Time Job ( Pizza Plus 2006-2007)

51. Be Minne Mouse at Disneyland
52. Make a strawberry margarita pie
53. Be royalty for Homecoming (October 5, 2007 Tie for Queen with Adessa)

54. Sneak out
55. Play powderpuff (September 25, 2006)

56. Work at a Sno Biz
57. Play Donkey Basketball (Feb 2008)
58. Learn how to Braid (Lindsey Summer 2005)
59. Ride a camel
60. watch a really scary movie
61. Try a new food
62. Be a good Christian (in progress)
63. Don't judge somebody at first (March 2011)
64. Give a second chance (Fall 2006)
65. Have a puppy
66. Be a class officer ( Sophomore class VP 2005-2006)
67. Pull a Senior Prank (May 2008 Shrink Wrapped Senior Lawn)
68. Work at a hospital
69. Work at a convalescent home
70. Ride a Mechanical Bull ( July 21, 2007)

71. Work on Homecoming Float Every Year (2004, 2005, 2006, 2007)

72. Real Country Concert (Keith Urban Fresno Dec 16 2005 with Lauren)

73. Recieve Greenhand Degree from FFA (2004)
74. Recieve Chapter Farmer Degree from FFA (2005)
75. Recieve State Farmer Degree (March 12, 2007)
76. Pass Spanish (Pacheco 04-05)
77. Make rice pudding with Avo Velma (2014)
78. Shoot a gun (November 21, 2007 Jon and Brenton)
79. Drive a backhoe
80. Be kind to a stranger (Dec 13, 2006) although I'm still trying to do so always:)
81. Jet Ski Solo (Houseboat July 2009)
82. Eat at the world's largest McDonalds
83.Climb Mountain (May 7, 2011)
84. Be happy at school (1995-2013)
85. Visit Fort Cody
86. Beat Escalon in VB or Track  (TIE) Close enough

87. Get my braces off (March 2, 2006)

88. Work at a soup kitchen
89. Dance on a bar top (Kristi's wedding Dec 19, 2009)
90. Sing Karaoke (Formal 2006)
91. Show a Pig
92. Show a Lamb (Merced Fair 2008)
93. Road Trip to Wilmington
94. Watch Texas Longhorn Football Game Live
95. Win a Senior Award (Class of 2008 Most Spirited)

96. Learn how to pitch a baseball (5th Quarter 2005)
97. Meet an out of stater (Youth group 2005)
98. Give poor money/Food (Dec 2010)
99. Make a Movie (Spanish Class Video with Lauren in 2005)
100. Dance to no music (Fair 2005)
101. Kiss in the Rain 
102. Dance in the rain (Dec 21, 2006 after beating Escalon at a basketball game)
103. Be in a rally (Boys vs Girls 2005)
104. Throw 70 in Discus
105. Throw 24 in Shot
106. Compliment someone sad
107. Smile at a stranger
108. Got to FFA State Convention (April 2007)
109. Hold hands in a movie
110. Be in FFA all four years

111. Be a secret angel for football (Fall 2005)
112. Be spirited at Basketball (2006)

113. Be spirited at Baseball (Summer Leauge 2005)
114. Milk a cow ( Merced Fair 2007)
115. Take a friend to the houseboat (Krystal 2005)
117. Rascal Flatts Concert (2008)

118. Have a picnic 
119. Watch every Rocky Movie
120. Be a Bridesmaid (Lacy and Luc June 20, 2009)

121. Ask a guy cute to a dance 
122. Song dedicated to me 
123. Lay in the Street (Carly May 2007)
124. Go to a Nascar Race (Infenion June 2008 Lisa, Tio and Jordan)

125. Gamble (2008)
126. Doorbell Ditch (Lucas 2008)
127. Ride in an old fashioned car (Jakes Chevy Pickup)
128. Get fake nails (Formal 2006)
129. Dye my hair (Nov 2008)
130. Work at a snack bar (Volleyball 2004)
131. Play Mud Volleyball (Joe's fighing llamas 2005)
132. Drive on Highway (with Kristi as my passenger April 2007)
133. Be a grandma
134. Be a football mom
135. Sponsor someone (Dulce 6 yrs old Mexico Valentines day 2007)
136. Meet Famous Person (Chuck Wicks Summer 2009)

137. Prank Call (2005 Frank)
138. Ride in a Hot Air Balloon
139. Learn a song on guitar (Track 2005 Andres)
140. Snorkel
141. Be in Fellowship of Christian Athletes all four years
142. Be a member of Block H (2005-2008)
143. See Yankees play (Block H Trip 2005)
144. Watch Fever Pitch with Lauren
145. Show at the Jersey Show
146. Show at the Los Banos Fair (Mo 2005)
147. Show at the Los Merced Fair (Mo 2005)

148. Show at the Stanislaus Fair
149.Make good luck signs for my friends (Football JV 2005)
150. Medal in track (Distance 2nd Place against Livingston)
151. Run Distance in a Meet (Patterson 2006)
152. Run at least every Wednesday for a Month (March 2006)
153. Make Posters for Basketball (JV 2006)
154. Drive a Stick Shift
155. Wear a Formal Dress (Formal 2005)
156. Watch Titanic
157. Speak in Public (FFA Meeting August 29, 2006)
158. Announce at a football game
159. Have an O.C. Night (Laurens 2004)
160. Watch Sex in the City (2005)
161. Own a David Carr Jersey
162. Watch Tristan and Isolde (Dec 3, 2006)
163. Lay on a Blanket and look at stars (Jen Nov 22, 2006)
164. Dress up every day for Homecoming ( 2006 Football Season)
165. Catch a Fish on a Houseboat
166. Row all through a cove (Krystal 2005)
167. Make someone a scrapbook (Megan 16 Bday March 2006)
168. Ride in Helicopter
169. Have a lemonade stand with my nieces and nephews
170. Have my eyebrows waxed (Lauren 2005)
171. Get a Make Over (Lauren 2005)
172. Have my eyebrows plucked (Lauren's mom 2005)
173. Talk to someone on the phone for over 90 mins (Sarah 2005 Summer)
174. Play Pool (Jake 2004)
175. Have a four pack
176. Be a member of FLC (2005, 2006)
177. Be a member of CSF (2004)
178. Not get drunk in High School
179. Ride a Horse on the Beach
180. Be stat girl at UOP (Dec 3, 2005 Vs Escalon)
181. Make JV Volleyball (2005)
182. Make Homemade Bread (Lauren 2005)
183. Get all the community service hours needed for cord at graduation (completed 2 years before grad)
184. Sing to someone (happens daily)
185. Play wiffle ball (2005)
186. Keep Baseball Stats (Baseball Scoreboard 2008)
187. Make better than sex cake
188 Not be shy
189. Have a cute thing done for me (Lauren's limo birthday surprise for me! Jan 2, 2007)
190. Be a shoulder to cry on (Lauren March 2006)
191. Play putt putt golf (youth group 2005)
192. Go to Great America (Rachel June 2008)
193. Go to Disneyland Senior Year (May 22, 23 2008)
194. Go on a car date (2007)
195. Lead a Prayer (See You At The Pole 2005)
196. Watch Shania LIVE (2015)
197. Watch Walk the Line (2006)
198. Buy Carrie Underwood CD (Oct 25, 2007)
199. Make Morp Cute (Chicago Theme 2006)
200. Make Formal Cute  (Once Upon a Time 2005)
201. Win Float (Baskeball Homecoming 2006)
202. Go on a Double Date (2007)
203. Get Letterman's Jacket (2006)

204. Go to a Giants Game (Oct 2007)
205. Make up done at the mall (Aunt J 2005)
206.Have a boyfriend
207. Take Boyfriend to a Houseboat 
208. Take Boyfriend to Dillon Beach (2017 FIANCE!)
209. Sleep on Roof
210. Get my own FFA jacket (2005)

211. Own my own Showbox (Orange 2005)
212. Do my hair cute every day for a month
213. Get a Cell Phone (January 10, 2006)
214. Surprise Party Thrown for Parents (April 2010, 25 Wedding Anniversary)

215. Take a boyfriend to a cabin (Tahoe Lacys 30th)
216. Go to a Drive in Movie(Summer 2012 Brave, Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises)
217. Movie Night at Laurens ( Halloween 2005)
218. Give a good fundraiser (Friday Night Lights on the Football Field 2005)
219. Be in Love
220. Buy all my friends christmas presents (2005)
221. Make Megan a Special Present ( March 2006)
222. Ice Skate (Hume Lake 2006)
223. Find a boyfriend who cares about me as much as I care about him
224. Pass Algebra 2 with a B (2007)
225. Go to Hume Lake (2006)

226. Watch Nathan's Team Play (Oregon Sept 9, 2006)
227. Run for FFA Office (2006-2007 Historian)

228. Run mile better than half of class (PE 2006)
229. Let my guard down (Fall 2006)
230. Win something from the radio 2017
231. Do something I'm scared to do (January 30, 2011)
232. Triple Date with my sisters 
233. True Girls night out with friends (Sarah's 21 April 8 2011)

234. Alex and Izzy Moment
235. Make my own senior slideshow (June 2008)
236. Go to a really hard work out session (Bootcamp 2009)
237. Have a gym membership (University of Nevada Reno Gym Fall 2011)
238. Take SATs
239. Get 4.0 in HS Junior Year (Q1)
240. Join Seca (2006)
241. Be an 07-08 FFA officer (Vice President)
242. Watch a Notre Dame Football Game Live
243. Be a crazy spirited college fan
244. Be treated like a princess
245. Watch Tim and Faith (August 2006, Lauren, Megan, Jon)
246. See Keith Urban in concert for the second time (June 13, 2007)
247. Go to a "party" (June 9, 2007 Zeb's House)
248. Own a Giraffe (Stuffed Animal named Sandee June 2010)
249. Sumo Wrestle
250. See Dierks Bentley in Concert
251. Go to the Azores
252. Go to Australlia
253. Go to the Country Music Hall of Fame
254. Change somebody's life in a postive way
255. Take too many pictures (new years eve 2006)
256. Make great high school memories
257. Follow my heart (2007)
258.Go to the American Music Awards
259. Go to Aspen
260. Go to New York at Christmas Time
261. Ride in a subway
262. Ride in a Taxi (Las Vegas2008)
263. Go on  a cruise
264. Be in ASB leadership (07-08 ASB Commissioner of Homecoming)
265. MFE/ALA (January 27, 2007)
266. Dress up dinner for no reason
267. Make slideshow movie for super six (2007)
268. Make a movie for my parents
269. Go on a Real Date
270. New Experience (Move Out July 2011)
271. Crazy New Years Eve Party (Kristi's 30th)
272. Make birthday posters for all the FFA Officers
273. Make the FFA scrapbook be really good (3rd place Central Region)
274. Buff Ball Fan (2007)
275. Senior Sunrise (August 2007)
276. Drive Tractor (Sept 2007 with Sal)
277. See Taylor Swift in Concert (LAC June 2, 2007)
278. Get Taylor Swift CD (Santa Christmas 2006)
279. Send Taylor Swfit song I wrote (June 3, 2007)
280. Recycle for 3 months straight no waste
281. Dance to no music on the street (Sal January 26, 2007)
282. Go to Alaska
283. Go to Pyramids
284. Go to a comedy show
285. Spiderman Kiss
286. Step out of my comfort zone (Oct 13, 2007)
287. Work at a bar
288. Kiss under a waterfall
289. Go dancing at a club (Marilyn, Matt, Kim, March 2011)

290. Build a bear for someone (Jennifer March 2012..."Clarkson")
291. Young Gunz T Shirts (2008)
292. Be in a professional photo shoot (JMT Photos April 2008)

293. Get a facial
294. Get a massage (Atlantis Spa January 2013)
295. Go to Canada
296. Keep Strong Faith
297.Change Tire (June 2010)
298. Check Oil/Change
299.Be Honest
300. Don't be afraid to go for somebody (Fall 2007)
301. Go to Mexico (June 2007 Mission Trip)
302. Make God my main priority
303. Read all of the new Testament (2013)
304. Go To Chico (Halloween 2010)
305. Be cool with as many people as possible Senior year
306. Plastic Wrap Someone's Car
307. Learn how to play a Taylor Swift Song on Guitar (Chris 2015)
308. Watch something on ice
309. Make Homecoming AWESOME (Oct 5, 2007)
310. Ride in a horse drawn carriage (Nov 30, 2007)
311. Learn Piano
312. Take a pole dancing class
313. Go to Ireland
314. Watch the Olympics Live
315. Learn how to skateboard
316. Take a photography class
317. Own all Seasons of One Tree Hill
318. Sky Dive (with Dad 2015)
319. See Grand Canyon
320. Go to Dollywood
321. Go to Disneyland in another country
322. Live a life with no regrets
323. Be a mentor
324. Read a book over and over
325. Go wine tasting (2012)
326. Go to Napa and fly over a vineyard

327. Take a kickboxing class (2015)

328. Win the Lottery

329. Speak at Baccalaurette (June 2, 2008)

330. Watch the Ellen Show Live

331. Go on a Gameshow (BOOM! 2014)

332. Knit a Scarf

333. Write a book

334. Go on a safari
335. Donate Six Gallons Of Blood

336. Have college roommates (Jen and Morgan UNR 2011)

337. Watch a UFC fight Live

338. Create my own path

339. Fly in a fighter jet

340. Ride in a NASCAR racecar
341. See the Sistine Chapel
342. See something majestic
343. Windsurf
344. Visit Washington DC
345. See Iwo Jima
346. Go to Germany
347. Throw a dart at a map and go
348. Watch the CMA awards Live
349. Snowmobile
350. Live for the moment
351. Laugh and have milk squirt out of my nose (painful and I don't know why I put this:)
352. Inspire somebody
353. Make a soap box car
354. Have a paintball war
355. Own a pair of red high heels (January 10, 2013)
356. Be in a fashion show
357. Walk across the golden gate bridge (Lisa 2014)
358. Play a song on expert on Guitar Hero
359. Make my parents proud
360. Thank God Everyday
361. Fly Fish
362. Shoot a deer
363. Take a hunters safety class
364. Play a whole game of golf
365. Hit a hole in one
366. play hockey
367. Watch a hockey game live (Stockton Thunder 2014)
368. Enter a sandcastle contest
369. Live every breath God gives me for what it is worth
370.  Get my teeth bleached (April 2008)
371. Make a T-shirt quilt
372. Go to a Frat Party (SLO AGR Cinco De Mayo 2011)

373. Join a sorority
374. Be a great wife
375. Put my kids in dance
376. Be a good aunt
377. Watch an NBA game live (Morgan, Bryan and Cam Jan 2017)
378. Watch one of every of my college sport
379. Make time for my family
380. Live on my own (Sparks 2011)
381. Visit all my friends in college
382. Go paint ballooning
383. Have a dare night
384. Every 15 Minutes be a success (April 21, 2008)
385. Be an Agriculture Teacher
386. Be a Kindergarten Teacher
387. Go into Advertising
388. Be an Event Planner
389. Have  a tree house in my backyard
390. Visit every Cracker Barrel restaurant
391. Have a swing on my front porch
392. Make 100 slideshows
393. Be Tan one summer
394. Take a make-up class
395. Kiss a complete stranger (April 19, 2011)
396. Race at fair
397. Be a cute mom
398. Be kind to my cousins
399. Be there when my sisters need me
400. Weekend at a cabin in the snow (Kristis Bachelorette Party Tahoe Nov 2009)
401. Deep sea fish with Pa
402. Own a red party dress
403. Go to a bubble party
404. Throw a Bachelorette Party (Kristi Nov 2009)
405. Watch Don Francisco Live
406. Go to Orlando, FL
407. Go to Oregon
408. Fly out of country (Mexico 2015 Lauren)
409. Drive a corvette
410. Go to the Bahamas (HONEYMOON! 2018)
411. Walk through a rainforest
412. See the London Bridge
413. See the Liberty Bell
414. Take a big family Disneyland trip 2016
415. Gamble in casino next to Pa (Peppermill September 10, 2011)
416. Take a self defense class
417. Go to a theme party (Rachel's 20 ABC Party March 2010)
418. Go to lego land
419. Ride Top 10 Greatest Rollercoasters
420. Swim with Dolphins
421. Go to a fashion show
423. Run a charity event
424. Put gum on gum alley
425. Eat a 1lb Hamburger (Feb 9, 2011)

426. Play Beer Pong (January 30, 2009)

427. Play Kings Cup (Summer 2008)

428. Go to Cal Poly for Halloween (2008)

429. Wear a skanky Halloween costume
430.  Be a Size 4 (Spring 2010)

431. Go to a movie Premiere
432. Play the drums on Hard on Rockband
433. Go to Hardrock Cafe (November 2009)
434. Eat hotwings at Hooters
435. Go to Toby Keith's Bar and Grill
436. Meet Bethany Joy Lenz
437. Be in a Poker Tourney
438. Be in the audience at the Today Show
439. Help a campaign (Romney Ryan 2012)
440. Go visit Lauren at Saint Mary's ( January 2008)

441. Send flowers to someone (Mom 2015)
442. Send someone a singing telegram
443. Go to cancun (Lauren 2015)
444. Go to Mardi Gras
445. Own a stairmaster
446. Never own a van
447. Write a song for someone special
448. Enter a pie eating contest
449. Go to a bed and breakfast
450. Stage Dive
451. Try every type of alcohol
452. Go to a cupcake store (Tea Shop Moraga, CA Jan 16, 2009)
453. Work at a bakery
454. Go all over CA
456. Walk along the Great Wall of China
457. Invest in the stock market
458. Make a million dollars
459. Stay awake 48 hours straight
460. Take a cake decorating class
461. Take an IQ test
462. Have my dreams analyzed
463. Go to a spa(January 2013 Atlantis)
464. Track down someone I've lost touch with
465. Have a BBQ four years out of high school with friends
466. Win a game of monopoly (July 2011)
467. Do something out of the ordinary for someone
468. Surprise someone(Our Families on Jake's Birthday 2011)
469. Camping trip with sisters and boyfriends ...guess husbands for us now;)
470. Make a good toast at a wedding (Dec 19, 2009)

471. Bunjee Jump (July 17 2008)
472. Have a candlelit dinner (2018)
473. Make a name for myself
474. Ride a real bull
475. Kiss underwater
476. Ride in a Bel-Air
477. Lead a bible study
478. Be a small group leader
479. Have kids show at fair
480. Be in a pagent
481. Give back to my community
482. Major in Ag Business (Merced College 2011)

483. Build a toy for my kids
484. Throw a baby shower
485. Dream Big Dreams
486. Swim with Sharks
486. Go to Costa Rica
487. Take CPR lessons (HCC 2017)
488. Take Swim Lessons
489. Paint a mural
490. Work at Cold Stone
491. Sing a song to someone
492. Learn a magic trick
493. Spin a basketball on my finger
494. Own a pair of cowboy boots (January 2011)

495. Play on the Price is Right
496. Take Pictures in a photobooth with boyfriend 2016 Cam
497. Have a cartoon made of me (2017 Cam's BDAY Monterey)
498. Send Friends Mail 
499. Try all flavors at Baskin Robins
500. Have a beach bonfire (Nov 2010 Pismo, CA)

501. Stop Settling
502. Make myself happy
503. Be fearless
504. Be engaged (Dec 2016-Dec 2017)
505. Be a Maid of Honor (Dec 19, 2009)

506. Nail a job interview (Hilmar Cheese January 2010)

507. Trap shoot (April 9, 2009)
508. Go to a dance club (April 8, 2011)

509. Go to Bass Pro Shop
510.  Shoot a bow and arrow
511. Fly on a private jet
512. Love with all of my heart
513. Go rocky mountain climbing
514. Make Merced College T-Shirts (October 9, 2010)
515. Yell at the top of my lungs in a sound proof room
516. Make Friends in College
517. Don't stop believing
518. Make my mark
519. Go to a Kenny Chesney Concert ( July 2009)
520. Watch Carrie Underwood in Concert (2012)
521. 4.0 one semester in college
522. Watch a college basketball game (Saint Mary's Jan 2009)

523. Scuba Dive
524. Get confirmed (Easter 2010)

525. Get First Communion (Easter 2010)

526. Be a God Mother (Jaxon June 5, 2011)

527. Go to Confession (March 30, 2010)
528. Watch the sunset on the beach (2016)
529. Be a segregate mother
530. Donate Organs
531. Ride in a cop car
532. Go to Russia
533. Read the Bible every day for a year
534. Drive a semi truck
535. Make a 5 course meal
536. Win a carnival game
537. Visit Grandparents two times a month
538. Fly to Vegas (Spring Break 2013)
539. Take a random road trip
540. Still be in love and laughing after 50 years of marriage
541. Read a good book every month for a year
542. Make dinner for my family (Feb 2010)

543. Spend a weekend away no cell phones no internet, technology
544. Go to Hume Lake as an adult
545. Go to Pismo (Spring Break 2010)
546. Go to Apple Hill (Lauren 2014)
547. Plant a tree on Arbor Day
548. Speak Portuguese fluently
549. Visit Tina in San Diego
550. Go bar hopping (Superhero Bar Crawl Summer 2012)
551. Watch a concert in a bar (Seattle 2016)
552. Decorate the table for a holiday
553. Dance in a Gazebo
554. Go to North Carolina
555.Go to the World's Largest Honky Tonk
556. Drive a Camaro
557. Survive a broken heart (2011)

558. Have an assistant
559. Go to Sea World
560. Make 21 a year of me
561. Install Something
562. Fix something around the house
563. Listen Better
564. Talk Less
565. Get married in the Catholic Church Dec 16, 2017
566. Go Ziplining
567. Play an intramural sport
568. Meet Sophia Bush
569. Visit the set of One Tree Hill
570. Have a pillow fight with feather pillows

571. Be in a food fight

572. Tailgate at a college game

573. See George Strait in concert

574. Graduate from the University of Nevada, Reno 2013
575. Go on a bar crawl (Superhero Crawl Summer 2013)
576. Bowl a score of 120
577. Get something published that I write
578. Go to the World's Largest swimming pool in Chile
579. Go to Africa
580. Eat pizza in Chicago

581. Drink at a pub in Ireland

582. Watch the Macy's thanksgiving day parade

583.Go to Niagra Falls in Canada

584. Go to Maine


Now I have opened up about my list of things to do in life, some of them I know are far fetched and most likely will never happen and some of them seem so simple...but hey its my list :)

Special thanks to those that have helped me along the way accomplish my list :)

And heres a future thanks to those of you who will help me in the future! :)

Try making a list of your own, maybe not so long;)

Remember: Dreams are Free:)

You Can Be Hurt By Love

"You can be hurt by love or healed by the same"-Timing is Everything Trace Adkins

You can be healed by love I believe that, but I also know how hurt you can be by love.

Love is the most vunerable state you can be in, giving yourself to a person selflessly, putting their needs above your own, trusting the person with your heart, believing what they say.

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this topic because I didn't want to open myself up to be vunerable about it, but I never truly faced it, I never allowed myself to open up to really anyone about it, so what better way to get something off your chest and out of your mind then to open it up to the world?

The topic that I'm going to talk about is not a fun one, its not a happy one, it won't make you smile, it might even bring up some bad mermories for you so if you read the next sentence and decide not to continue reading because it is to hard to read about it I'd understand but the whole point of me blogging about it is I didn't face it.

The topic I have the trouble with opening up about is cheating.

It actually makes me mad at myself that I'm even bringing this up allowing myself to think even one more second about it, because I know I'm better off, I know I didn't deserve that to happen to me, but I am just thinking that maybe I can help you by helping myself as well and we can all be healed together.

I don't want to get into the details of what I've found out, or mention who cheated on me, or tell you the history of our relationship because it doesn't matter if it happened to me a year ago, three years ago, or five years ago, it doesn't matter if I was cheated on one day, a couple times, or the majority of my relationship because honestly, all it took for me is to find out one time.

That one time that it happened, I didn't want to know what exactly happened, who the girl was, when it happened, or how many others there were, the fact that the person I loved and trusted could do that to me, after telling me about all the people who he didn't respect because they cheated was ending up being just like them, now that is tough for me to grasp.

By any means I'm not the perfect girlfriend, I know that, I have my irritating habits, I have my emotional moments, I have my moments where I don't even like me but cheating on him, now that, that was never an option.

I held this guy up on a pedestal, thinking that he could do no wrong, that he loved me, that he valued me, that he thought I was the only girl he needed to be with, and I could be the only girl he spent the rest of his life with.

I don't know his motives, I honestly couldn't tell you why he did it, how often he did it, or the extent of how far he took whatever relationship(s) he had going on, and I sat up wondering WHY?

Why? Why would you do that to me? Why would you take the risk of losing me? Why would you possibly want to be with any other girl? Why am I not good enough? Why can't I be the only one you want to be with? Why did you have to make me feel unworthy? Why did you have to make me feel ugly? Why did you have to make me feel like I am not enough? Why would you want to throw it all away? Why did you think you could get away with it and never be caught? Why did you have to not only shut the door to our break up, but cause me to put bolts and locks and chains and bullet proof lining over the door? Why did I ever have to find out about this, especially after all this time? WHY?

The wondering kept me up so many nights, it made me ill, it made me literally wanted to get up from bed and throw up, it made my heart ache.

It made me feel like a piece of trash tossed on the outside of the garbage can, not even worth putting inside the can, just to be tossed around and stepped on, and looked over, and worthless, and ugly and so many other sad emotions.

I was so mad that he was still after so long being able to have some hold over me, like all these dirty little secrets he had kept coming out of the woodworks. I wanted to just move on with my life and I was fine with the way things ended. I thought that maybe there would be some hope for the future and we could potentially be back to being friends again.

Part of me wishes I had never known, I had never found out, I had never had to doubt myself or feel stupid.

I felt SO STUPID.

Like how did I allow myself to be "that girl" the girl that had been cheated on and so many people know but nobody will tell her?

That girl who trusted a guy with everything she had, including her heart?

I by no means am writing this letter to bash the guy who cheated on me, I want to make that clear, this isn't a hate letter to him, this is a vent letter to you all, to show you that it is okay to open up and ask yourself questions and not bottle it all up inside.

I had been being very unhappy after finding out that news, I was thinking how could I seriously allow another guy in? I was so hurt so uhappy, so sad, so broken, so confused, so guarded, so vunerable, so worried.

To say that being cheating on doesn't affect you is a lie, I know (sadly) enough people in my life who have been cheated on, and being cheated on, to put it simply, SUCKS.

I guess my advice to you girls and guys out there who might be reading this is honestly, I feel so much better, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after writing this I feel like my heart has just been freed from all the unworthiness I was feeling and the pain and anger and stupidity I was feeling.

Because lets get serious, if the worst thing I did in the relationship was TRUST the person I LOVED and GIVE it my all, well I can still hold my head up high.

Because I was cheated on doesn't make me worthless, although it may have made me feel that way.

Because you've been cheated on doesn't make you worthless, even if you feel that way.

I realized I didn't do anything to be cheated on if anything, every guy I've ever been in a relationship with I told them, "if you ever feel like getting with another girl, just break up with me, don't cheat on me"

Seriously, if you are a cheater out there and think you are "sparing the person the heartache from finding out that you've found someone else" how about you reread that quote and then realize that is a load of bull shit. That is a cop out. You don't deserve the best of both worlds. IF you want to have a serious relationship with ONE person and have them be the ONLY person in your life that you do anything with, STICK TO IT. IF you want to sleep around, or mess around and have different girls all the time, STICK TO IT. DON'T TRY TO HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. The person you are hurting is not just yourself.

What happened to honesty in the world?

When did it become okay to lie to the people?

Why is it that socially we hear about cheaters all the time?

Why can't someone just BREAK up with the person they are with if they want to be with other people?

You can't have the best of both worlds, you can't be a whore and a significant other to someone.

ITS NOT FAIR!

No girl or guy should have to be cheated on, I would really like to understand the motives that someone would have to make me understand why they believe it is acceptable, because I believe in hearing two sides to every story.

Sometimes I get it, you are drunk, its a moment of weakness, it was only one time.
Be honest about it, tell the other person before they find out from someone else.
Honesty might be the only thing that could save your relationship from your stupid one night mistake.

I am not going to preach to you about what you should do if you've been cheated on, because I know how many emotions I have been feeling, and I found out post break up so I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been to hear all of that while I was still in a relationship.

I believe what happens after you find out you have been cheated on is a personal decision on what to do next.

Just remember, being cheated on doesn't make you worthless. The person who did it to you was just being careless.

You can't blame yourself.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions about it and let it out.

In music we've heard many different takes on cheating, and in no way am I encouraging any of you to take after Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" song but in the end the decision is yours.

Hope I have helped you, selfishly I've helped myself.

To the been cheated on the lyrics that helped me: "It doesn't happen overnight but you turn around and a months gone by and you realize you haven't cried, I'm  not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer I'm busy getting stronger...I'm done thinking you could ever change I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger...I'm getting along with out you baby, I'm better off without you baby, how does it feel without me baby? I'm getting stronger without you baby."

To the cheaters:"Now I've got one thing left to say, that you can lay in the bed you made"

When the world stopped turning I was 11 years old

We are the land of the free because of the BRAVE.

September 11, 2001
A day now marked in history books forever, just like World War I and World War II, but I never lived during WWI or WWII, I was only in sixth grade when tragedy struck America on 9/11/01, but just because I was 11 doesn't mean that I don't remember exactly how I heard about the news, and how my day went.

Do you ever hear the house phone ring at the random hours in the late night or early morning that you just know something bad was happening? I almost always wake up to those calls, calls about family members or friends passing away. Normally I would sleep through anything, I've even slept through our fire alarm going off in the middle of the night because the batteries were dead. Its like I've been wired to wake up to the important calls, but those important calls are normally aways tragic. I woke up to the phone ringing and my mom answering it and talking and then I heard the TV come on my mom told me and my sisters to go in the living room and watch what was happening...I was in shock, as the rest of America was, but I honestly didn't even know what the twin towers were.  I had never learned about the World Trade Center yet, but I did on the very historical sad day that became on 9/11. I had so many questions, my mom answered them as best as she could but then she told me and my sisters to get ready for school.

My mom was a first grade teacher at that time so it was very important for her to be at school for her students. I remember walking to my wing of the school, nobody was outside playing before school, everyone was in the classroom or stayed home. I walked past the other classrooms and I vividly remember walking past a fifth grade room that the blinds were open, they all were gathered around the TV with their jaws dropped. I went to my class room where we tried to comprehend it all, but such an act was something we all couldn't wrap our minds around.

I remember the fear I felt wondering where would be next and how many attacks were going to happen. Going about the day in a normal way was not an option, that was a very abnormal day for everyone.

I was only 11 but I thought of everyone else, the people who were trapped, watching the people that had jumped, the people who walked away, the firefighters and others who worked so hard at trying to save everyone, the families of the people who had passed away, the families who didn't know where their loved one was, if they were trapped, if they were scared, if they were okay.

The bravery that was shown that day, and the years following amazed me and amaze me more looking back... People risked their lives for this country and still risk their lives today. So many brave men and women signed up for the military willingly to show those people who did that to us, that AMERICA WAS STRONG, AMERICA WAS BRAVE, AMERICA DOESN'T BACK DOWN, AMERICA WON'T GIVE UP.

We all banned together truly ONE NATION UNDER GOD UNITED AS ONE! We wore red, white and blue, hung flags in the yard, donated blood, helped out our fellow Americans, wanted the same goal, and had such pride.

I haven't forgotten how I felt when I was 11, now 21 I look bad and I feel sad about what happened, and I'm sad about what is happening, that drive and passion that we had for our country, that unity that we all shared, the willingness to help out a fellow American is faded, its not there anymore.

I know that tragedies bring people together, I know that tragedies change people forever on the inside, but how about on the outside? Why have we, the ones who watched the news coverage live, and the ones who walked from the rubble or lost someone along these past 10 years because of 9/11, why have we lost the passion for our country? The pride in our country?

I still have pride, and I know that others do as well, I'm not saying that all of us have written off our country, but I wish we could feel that way again for our country, saluting the brave, praying for each other, wearing red, white and blue, flying the American Flag in our yards, holding the doors for strangers, donating blood, supporting the troops and all those things we did when we were in the moment ten years ago.

I reflect on September 11, 2001 today, as well with all you Americans, and I still feel the pain in my heart for those who didn't make it out alive from that day, who went into the fires to get people out, who have since faught for our country and then lost their lives, for all of those children who won't know their grandparents, parents, aunts or uncles, for all those parents who lost their children. For anyone who got a devastating last phone call, for all of those who lost their sister or brother, best friend or cousin. For the people who had to deliever the news to our country, for President George W. Bush for having to be the one who decided what the next step was, for people like me, who didn't really know anyone personally but still felt deeply affected.

Be Proud to be an American again.
Take out the flag and wave it with pride.
Stop and cover your heart and be quiet when you hear the National Anthem being played.
Thank a person in uniform for defending our country and protecting us.
Be kind to your fellow Americans.
Hold your family tight and let them know you love them.
Pray for our armed forces, pilots, firemen, policemen, nurses, doctors, the fallen, and so on.
God Bless You
GOD BLESS AMERICA

Inspired by Love

So I will admit it, I haven't written a blog lately because nothing has really been inspiring enough for me to do so. That all changed tonight. Want to do what did me in?

LOVE.

Witnessing love in the truest form, the moment where happily ever after starts, A WEDDING!

I've heard so many times, we are waiting for the "perfect" time to get married, when we have enough money, when I'm done with school, when I get started on my career, and so on and so forth. I just went to a wedding where the timeline didn't necessarily fit any of those standards, and I'm sure people were probably thinking, those "kids" are getting married at 20? And yes, I am 21 and I couldn't even imagine being married at this point in my life and you know why? I'm not like Karessa and Jason, I haven't found my true love, I haven't found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but they found each other, and why wait?

The face of the groom when he saw his bride walking toward him, her never ending smile, the glow with the two of them was so apparent and it was simply radiant! They had everyone at the ceremony and reception feeling the same happiness they were feeling and it was so comfortable and you can tell the couple was so in love and so ready to start this new adventure in their lives together. Isn't that what it is all about?

Finding that one person who makes you grin from ear to ear, who makes your heart race, who fits in with your family and you fit in with theirs, who makes you feel comfortable and beautiful?

I think we lose sight of those things with the way weddings are now a days, the insane amount of money dropped in locations and to get everything just perfect, the wedding I went to tonight was at the groom's grandmother's house where they had celebrated his grandma and grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary years prior, there were cookies instead of cake and milk brought around for toasts. There was delicious food, all the bridal party all looked stunning, there was music and the traditional dances and they rode out on a "big green tractor" when they left the reception. It was simple and it was beautiful and one of the best weddings I've ever been to. But this wedding had something special something I've felt at a few weddings before, and it was just that, a feeling, a feeling of comfort and happiness a feeling of love and warmth. That is something you can't buy, that is something that you can't fake. That is what it is all about, celebrating the love and feeling the love.

Like I said, I am 21 and the thought of me being married now seems so out of the question, but I am not in that place where I have found "the one" my "true love" and going to this wedding tonight has just really opened up my eyes to what it is all about. What some of us girls tend to do, we go crazy off the deep end because we think we need to settle down and just find a guy to be with and have a boyfriend and turn him into our husband and we lose sight of the journey and what God has planned for us. We aren't the ones that need to go out looking, because God already has that in a plan. I will admit it, I was feeling pretty down on myself the past couple of weeks, swearing off any guy that might have came near me because I didn't want to let myself be open, vulnerable and allow my heart to love again. I've always been a believer in love, and it was so unlike me to be so cynical because I'm always so positive and hopeful (and even a hopeless romantic:) I have always known that there is a love out there for me, but I lost sight of that, I was in my little sad place where I got to thinking I need to do it all by myself and not let anyone else but God in. But like I said, going to the wedding tonight restored me, I've been inspired by the love that they shared to know that LOVE IS SOMETHING WORTH HAVING AND WORTH WAITING FOR. Not every guy will cheat on you, not every guy will lie to you, not every guy will break your heart because they know they can...and just because you have had experiences where things like that have happened doesn't mean that you should give up hope. Because love is what it is all about. Love is something that is so special and we should be so thankful God has given us that emotion to feel. I heard a quote from my favorite TV show and it was "The day you start thinking that love is overrated is the day you are wrong"

Don't be desperate, don't settle, don't go searching for it either, TRUST, trust that God will bring you the love that He has made for you, and it doesn't have a time limit either, there is no age you have to be to find the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. Some people like my sisters and Karessa found it when they were in their early twenties, I've witnessed people get married in their late twenties, early thirties, and even find love when they are over 50. A love that isn't worth waiting for is a love that isn't worth having, I heard that quote once too but I don't recall where....but basically I've been inspired by love...set back on the right track to believing in it again and all the good things that love can do.

And just because you find the love of your life doesn't mean it is going to be easy and simple, because it will be messy at times and hard.

My brother-in-law told me something once, he said "you wanna know how I know I love your sister? Because sometimes yeah she does some things that really piss me off, but I know that if I ever got a call that said something ever happened to her I don't know what I would do, I can't imagine my life without your sister" And let me tell you what, as a sister, THAT IS AMAZING TO HEAR, that the man you sister is married to feels that way about her...and it just makes me think about how I want that, and I've never experienced that, and the love that I thought that I have felt in previous relationships was just the stepping stone to get to where I am going to be one day and feel EVEN MORE for a person and feel the need to have that other person in my life and to take his last name one day, now that, THAT IS WORTH WAITING FOR.

Believe in love. Be inspired by love.