You Can Be Hurt By Love

"You can be hurt by love or healed by the same"-Timing is Everything Trace Adkins

You can be healed by love I believe that, but I also know how hurt you can be by love.

Love is the most vunerable state you can be in, giving yourself to a person selflessly, putting their needs above your own, trusting the person with your heart, believing what they say.

I wasn't sure if I was going to write about this topic because I didn't want to open myself up to be vunerable about it, but I never truly faced it, I never allowed myself to open up to really anyone about it, so what better way to get something off your chest and out of your mind then to open it up to the world?

The topic that I'm going to talk about is not a fun one, its not a happy one, it won't make you smile, it might even bring up some bad mermories for you so if you read the next sentence and decide not to continue reading because it is to hard to read about it I'd understand but the whole point of me blogging about it is I didn't face it.

The topic I have the trouble with opening up about is cheating.

It actually makes me mad at myself that I'm even bringing this up allowing myself to think even one more second about it, because I know I'm better off, I know I didn't deserve that to happen to me, but I am just thinking that maybe I can help you by helping myself as well and we can all be healed together.

I don't want to get into the details of what I've found out, or mention who cheated on me, or tell you the history of our relationship because it doesn't matter if it happened to me a year ago, three years ago, or five years ago, it doesn't matter if I was cheated on one day, a couple times, or the majority of my relationship because honestly, all it took for me is to find out one time.

That one time that it happened, I didn't want to know what exactly happened, who the girl was, when it happened, or how many others there were, the fact that the person I loved and trusted could do that to me, after telling me about all the people who he didn't respect because they cheated was ending up being just like them, now that is tough for me to grasp.

By any means I'm not the perfect girlfriend, I know that, I have my irritating habits, I have my emotional moments, I have my moments where I don't even like me but cheating on him, now that, that was never an option.

I held this guy up on a pedestal, thinking that he could do no wrong, that he loved me, that he valued me, that he thought I was the only girl he needed to be with, and I could be the only girl he spent the rest of his life with.

I don't know his motives, I honestly couldn't tell you why he did it, how often he did it, or the extent of how far he took whatever relationship(s) he had going on, and I sat up wondering WHY?

Why? Why would you do that to me? Why would you take the risk of losing me? Why would you possibly want to be with any other girl? Why am I not good enough? Why can't I be the only one you want to be with? Why did you have to make me feel unworthy? Why did you have to make me feel ugly? Why did you have to make me feel like I am not enough? Why would you want to throw it all away? Why did you think you could get away with it and never be caught? Why did you have to not only shut the door to our break up, but cause me to put bolts and locks and chains and bullet proof lining over the door? Why did I ever have to find out about this, especially after all this time? WHY?

The wondering kept me up so many nights, it made me ill, it made me literally wanted to get up from bed and throw up, it made my heart ache.

It made me feel like a piece of trash tossed on the outside of the garbage can, not even worth putting inside the can, just to be tossed around and stepped on, and looked over, and worthless, and ugly and so many other sad emotions.

I was so mad that he was still after so long being able to have some hold over me, like all these dirty little secrets he had kept coming out of the woodworks. I wanted to just move on with my life and I was fine with the way things ended. I thought that maybe there would be some hope for the future and we could potentially be back to being friends again.

Part of me wishes I had never known, I had never found out, I had never had to doubt myself or feel stupid.

I felt SO STUPID.

Like how did I allow myself to be "that girl" the girl that had been cheated on and so many people know but nobody will tell her?

That girl who trusted a guy with everything she had, including her heart?

I by no means am writing this letter to bash the guy who cheated on me, I want to make that clear, this isn't a hate letter to him, this is a vent letter to you all, to show you that it is okay to open up and ask yourself questions and not bottle it all up inside.

I had been being very unhappy after finding out that news, I was thinking how could I seriously allow another guy in? I was so hurt so uhappy, so sad, so broken, so confused, so guarded, so vunerable, so worried.

To say that being cheating on doesn't affect you is a lie, I know (sadly) enough people in my life who have been cheated on, and being cheated on, to put it simply, SUCKS.

I guess my advice to you girls and guys out there who might be reading this is honestly, I feel so much better, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after writing this I feel like my heart has just been freed from all the unworthiness I was feeling and the pain and anger and stupidity I was feeling.

Because lets get serious, if the worst thing I did in the relationship was TRUST the person I LOVED and GIVE it my all, well I can still hold my head up high.

Because I was cheated on doesn't make me worthless, although it may have made me feel that way.

Because you've been cheated on doesn't make you worthless, even if you feel that way.

I realized I didn't do anything to be cheated on if anything, every guy I've ever been in a relationship with I told them, "if you ever feel like getting with another girl, just break up with me, don't cheat on me"

Seriously, if you are a cheater out there and think you are "sparing the person the heartache from finding out that you've found someone else" how about you reread that quote and then realize that is a load of bull shit. That is a cop out. You don't deserve the best of both worlds. IF you want to have a serious relationship with ONE person and have them be the ONLY person in your life that you do anything with, STICK TO IT. IF you want to sleep around, or mess around and have different girls all the time, STICK TO IT. DON'T TRY TO HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. The person you are hurting is not just yourself.

What happened to honesty in the world?

When did it become okay to lie to the people?

Why is it that socially we hear about cheaters all the time?

Why can't someone just BREAK up with the person they are with if they want to be with other people?

You can't have the best of both worlds, you can't be a whore and a significant other to someone.

ITS NOT FAIR!

No girl or guy should have to be cheated on, I would really like to understand the motives that someone would have to make me understand why they believe it is acceptable, because I believe in hearing two sides to every story.

Sometimes I get it, you are drunk, its a moment of weakness, it was only one time.
Be honest about it, tell the other person before they find out from someone else.
Honesty might be the only thing that could save your relationship from your stupid one night mistake.

I am not going to preach to you about what you should do if you've been cheated on, because I know how many emotions I have been feeling, and I found out post break up so I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been to hear all of that while I was still in a relationship.

I believe what happens after you find out you have been cheated on is a personal decision on what to do next.

Just remember, being cheated on doesn't make you worthless. The person who did it to you was just being careless.

You can't blame yourself.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions about it and let it out.

In music we've heard many different takes on cheating, and in no way am I encouraging any of you to take after Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" song but in the end the decision is yours.

Hope I have helped you, selfishly I've helped myself.

To the been cheated on the lyrics that helped me: "It doesn't happen overnight but you turn around and a months gone by and you realize you haven't cried, I'm  not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer I'm busy getting stronger...I'm done thinking you could ever change I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger...I'm getting along with out you baby, I'm better off without you baby, how does it feel without me baby? I'm getting stronger without you baby."

To the cheaters:"Now I've got one thing left to say, that you can lay in the bed you made"